And we're off!

Today is CD 3 (cycle day 3) so I will begin taking my birth control pills tonight. I'm hoping that this new brand agrees with me better than the last one I was on...it made me feel absolutely empty inside. The first week on it, I'd feel like a big lump of nothing, it was awful. So when I found out I'd need to be on birth control pills again, I requested another brand. I've taken Junel before so let's hope this month is better! After an unsuccessful IVF cycle, the last thing I want to feel like is depressed, especially since we're trying so hard to regain and retain optimism for this next attempt.

 Then what? Well, I will take the pill for 21 days and await my next cycle. On CD 1, I will begin taking estrogen 2x a day (orally) and on CD 5, I will go in for a baseline ultrasound to check my uterus and ovaries. I will not be taking any medication to stimulate my ovaries this go-around (hooray!) but they still need to make sure no residual larger follicles remain from before, and also check my uterus to make sure it is still fibroid/polyp free. They will also check my uterine lining to see if it's beginning to show signs of "thickening up," which is what we want: we want a nice, plush implantation environment. If all looks good, I will continue taking the estrogen 2x a day. On CD 13, I will go in for another uterine lining check. At this point, the lining should be 7mm or thicker. If not, the estrogen dosage may be increased. If yes, then we will add in progesterone shots (the ones in the butt muscles). We will do this for approximately five nights, leading up to transfer day! Then I'd continue both estrogen and progesterone through the 10-day waiting period, up until beta day. Right now, if all goes perfectly and to plan, we are looking at a transfer around October 10, give or take a few days. I say "give or take" because if we need to add days to thicken my lining, that would move it back a bit. Also, we have a bit more flexibility with a frozen embryo transfer since we already have our embryos and we're not waiting for them to mature in a lab. Normally, they don't like to do FETs on the weekends (because of the fact that we can pretty much choose a date as opposed to fresh cycle IVFers who are bound by a schedule) but I told them that J is a professor and cannot miss class, so he'd be unable to go with me for the transfer if it was scheduled for a week day. Our nurse said they will try their best to make an exception for us, since they understand our want to have J there with me, and they want him to be there, too! However, if they simply cannot make it happen, my boss has offered to take me. See, incredibly supportive, right? No one else here knows we're doing this so I'm just so thankful there is another alternative should J be unable to go.

For the time being, we are trying our best to shift our focus to this next attempt and be optimistic that this next try in October will be THE ONE. But, that being said, we're trying to really take it one day at a time and not put too much pressure on ourselves. Yes, we're doing all we can to help ensure that this next attempt will be successful but there's only so much we can do. Much of it is out of our hands. So we march steadily onward, with hopeful hearts.

Part of the healing process for me this week has been giving myself the freedom to eat things that have been off limits for the past two months, guilt-free: wine, ice cream, Thai food, bread, candy, pizza. I hardly ever drink soda and I enjoyed a great big Pepsi this afternoon. It's the small things :) I will start back on my fertility diet plan tomorrow, but I will be a bit lenient. For instance, I will be eating most of the stuff I should but I'll probably not start eating organic until mid-month, mostly due to the cost. Eating strictly organic and "clean" is really expensive and with all the other stuff we're paying for (IVF loan payment and acupuncture among them) we just don't have the funds to eat that way for too long. Long story short, it's been nice to treat myself for a few days. I think I deserve it :)

Anyway, that's where we stand! Won't have much to report from now until my later in September so stay tuned and thank you, as always, for your continued love and support as we venture forth on this little odyssey of ours. We couldn't do it without you!!

Grief, Healing, and the Future

Yesterday was hard. That goes without saying. Getting the news that our first IVF attempt was unsuccessful was not news we had hoped to receive. But, if I'm being honest, it was not completely surprising, at least to me. J was far more shocked than I was. I expressed fear and doubt about half way through the 10-day waiting period from transfer to beta day and I wanted to believe it was just that: fear and doubt. But deep down, I knew it was intuition, and I couldn't explain it. And maybe some of you reading this won't believe me, and that's fine. But I knew it hadn't worked several days before getting the official results. I expressed this to our doctor yesterday, who had the unfortunate task of relaying our negative beta results, and he was not at all surprised by my admission. He said that in his experience, the women who truly, deep down in their gut feel that it didn't work, are usually correct. Women often express fear that it didn't work but that's normal, most everyone is fearful it won't or hasn't worked. But to feel it in your bones, to feel it so absolutely, he said those women tend to be right. Of course there are women who get pleasantly shocked when their gut feeling is proved to be wrong, and I had so hoped to be one of those women, but I wasn't. And it was terrible. Yes, the news didn't come as a true shock but the news was still devastating. I sobbed in my bosses office for close to a half an hour and wished that I could grieve in J's arms instead of at work (sidenote: I am so thankful my boss was so kind and has been so wonderfully supportive throughout this process). But for me, I think the most difficult part of yesterday's news was knowing that despite ALL the intervention and medical help, and despite all of our best efforts and after putting myself through all of the meds and the doctor appointments...we were still unsuccessful. How can that be? It seems unfathomable. Sometimes, there are things the doctor can point to and say, "Well, maybe if that had been better, or "next time, we'll do this differently," but that wasn't the case with us. We had a near perfect cycle. Everything was going so well and it all looked so good so surely, the outcome would reflect the process thus far...but it doesn't work that way. Sometimes, it just flat out doesn't work. No reason, no explanation. And that's what we're dealing with. And THAT is hard to accept.

Before I go any further, I want to thank you all for your loving words of support. Receiving your texts and email messages last night was of great comfort to us. I certainly didn't relish sharing the news with you, least of all my parents, as I know you all were hoping for success right along with us. You have been so wonderful, thank you. When I finally got home (I had a work thing to get through but was granted permission to leave earlier than I had anticipated, which was so appreciated), we ordered Thai food from a favorite restaurant, J poured himself some bourbon, I had a glass of wine, and we just spent a quiet evening together watching Seinfeld reruns. We unplugged and tried to unwind and we even danced together in the living room to just be silly and smile for a bit. I am so lucky to have J -- he even removed our embie photo from the fridge so I wouldn't have to. We'll get through this together, one day at a time. We need to allow ourselves to grieve what could have been, but then we have to pick ourselves up and soldier on. Hope is still very much alive...in the form of our three beautiful embies on ice. For their sake and ours, it is imperative that we regain (and retain!) our sense of optimism and excitement in the process because we want to try again.

So, that begs the question of, what's next?

I am to await my cycle, which should arrive in the next few days. Then, on day three of that cycle, I will once again begin taking birth control pills. This will help my ovaries return to their normal size and function and will also help my hormone levels return to their normal state. In the next month, I will get another SIS (saline intrauterine sonogram) to make sure all looks well and that no residual follicles remain. Then, with the onset of that very NEXT menstrual period, I will begin taking estrogen tablets 2x a day (orally! yahoo!) leading up to our first FET (frozen embryo transfer). They will start by defrosting the embies on ice one at a time. If one doesn't survive the thaw, they will move on to the next one. Our doctor is confident that out of the three we have, at least one will survive the defrosting process, which is, as you can imagine, tough on the embryo. A big takeaway to remember is this: although this IVF cycle didn't have the outcome we had hoped for, it did give us four beautiful embryos: one we used, and three others that are currently being cryo-preserved. We are so grateful that I won't have to go through all of those crazy stimulation drugs again! Those remaining three beautiful embies mean that all I will have to do this go-around is eat well, get rest, continue acupuncture, get a few blood draws leading up to transfer day, take my estrogen pills and later, the progesterone shots post-transfer. SO MUCH LESS than this last time. Far fewer doctor appointments, far less wear and tear on my body and system, far less stress. Thank you, embies, thank you, thank you. If all goes well and to plan, we are looking at an early October transfer date, although it could be as early as late September. We shall see.

According to our doctor, FETs have just as much chance of success as a fresh transfer, so we are holding on to hope that this next time will bring us our miracle. In the meantime, we will grieve, but we will also heal and then we will move on. Our child is still out there, and we're not giving up.

Love you all <3

Maybe next time

I will write more another day, once we have a chance to process the news. We did everything we could have done and then some, and yet...for whatever reason, it wasn't meant to be. And even though we understand that, it doesn't make the disappointment and sadness we feel any easier to accept.

We are heartbroken.

Thank you for being a part of this journey and for keeping us and our little embie in your thoughts, prayers, and hearts.

Tomorrow is Beta Day

Tomorrow is a big day. Big, big day. Tomorrow is the day we find out if this IVF cycle took or if we'll need to try again with one of our embies on ice. Miraculously, I have refrained from peeing on home pregnancy tests and it's not been easy. Most (and I truly do mean MOST) women going through IVF begin peeing on {pregnancy test} sticks (POS) about half way through their wait from transfer to beta day, but being the rule follower that I am (and also, I couldn't handle seeing the negative if that's what it's to be) I followed the clinic's instructions and have not tested at home. A down side to that is that I have NO CLUE what tomorrow's beta will be. When we found out we were pregnant in 2011, I had such strong symptoms that I felt comfortable taking an at-home test and it was positive, so when beta day arrived that next day, I knew it was going to come back positive, too. This time...my symptoms have been very few and sporadic, and truthfully, could all be explained away by the hormones I've been taking (estrogen and progesterone). So to say I'm anxious and fighting off feelings of doubt would be an understatement. Part of me wants to break down and take a home pregnancy test, just so I know what I'll be walking in to tomorrow. But the bigger part of me is afraid of what the result will be so then I think, why not wait another day? Which is what I'll do. Tomorrow will be here soon enough! ...yikes.

Answering that phone call from the clinic tomorrow with my beta results will be incredibly hard. Not having a strong sense of what's to be makes it doubly difficult. That phone call has the power to change our lives. If it's positive news, and if all goes well in the months ahead, we could welcome a child in to our family, at long last, in the Spring. If it's negative news...well, tomorrow will be a very hard day. I wish I had a better feeling about how tomorrow will go, but I don't. I wish I had something so "obvious" that helped me feel more optimistic than I do, but I don't. So it could truly go either way. We know that we have done absolutely everything in our power to help make this cycle a success. There is nothing that we could have done better, I really believe that. So I know that whatever the result, it's just what is meant to be, as hard as that may be to accept (and hopefully whatever is meant to be will be in our favor!). That being said, I'm really, really scared! But, doing my best to remain as optimistic as I can. J is doing great and has been a champ at keeping us both grounded in hope and the reality that it's not over till it's over, regardless of symptoms or lack thereof. We've just gone through so much and I've put my body through so much in the last month that if it's not a good result, it's going to be a very hard pill to swallow. We will try again, there is no question, but we'd obviously prefer to not have to. So please join us in sending out an extra burst of positive energy, prayer, vibes, etc through tomorrow!!

I will share the news, either way, sometime late tomorrow night, to give us a chance to process whatever the results turn out to be. And also, I have an event at work that goes until 8pm (real great, huh?) so I will need a chance to get home and to a computer!

In about 24 hours, I'll be on my way back to Bloomington from getting my blood drawn. And by tomorrow afternoon, we'll know if our golden embie implanted and if our journey is about to take a turn for the WONDERFUL. Oh please oh please oh please...

Transfer Day - Complete!

What a wonderful day! We arrived at the clinic at around 9:15 am this morning and got checked in. We were both asked to refrain from wearing any strong smelling anything, so no soap, no cologne or perfume, no lotion, no deodorant, no hair products, and I elected to go make-up free. I was asked to drink a few cups of water to ensure my bladder was full (which helps push up the uterus to make it more visible during the ultrasound as they're guiding the catheter through the uterine cavity to place the embryo). After I had my blood drawn, I was given a Valium and then escorted to the transfer room. In addition to the one transferred in to me today, we found out that one embryo was frozen, and four others are still in the wings to develop a bit further. We will find out tomorrow sometime how many will be frozen in all.

Transfer went very smoothly and we were overcome with emotion upon viewing our little embie for the first time. It was graded as a BB, which is very good. A's are hardly ever given, so we and the doctors were pleased. To our eyes, it was perfect and so very beautiful.

Before the transfer! We both had to "suit up".

During the transfer. The nurse is pointing to the place where our embryo is being placed in my uterus.

Viewing a photograph of our embryo for the first time.

Our beautiful little embie <3

Proud and hopeful and already in love with what could be <3

I am on bed rest for the remainder of today and then very minimal activity tomorrow. I am to continue taking my estrogen 3x a day, progesterone shots 1x a day, prenatal vitamin, and baby aspirin. Implantation can occur anywhere from 1-5 days after the embryo is transferred. Please join us in remaining positive and optimistic that our little embie will get comfy cozy in my uterus and want to stay. 

We welcome your prayers, positive thoughts, and good vibes as we enter in to this 10-day waiting period until beta day on August 25th! This is often the most emotionally difficult part of the process, as we anxiously await the outcome of this phase of our journey. It will be a challenge to stay away from Google and not put too much stock in to what I feel or don't feel as we inch closer to beta day, but we are determined to hold on to hope and have faith and believe that this is going to bring us our miracle. Thank you all for the thoughtful messages of support this morning and last night - they meant so much to us and helped us feel as though you were all near in spirit. Thank you, thank you <3

Oh sweet embie. Please stay with us. Please continue to grow. We love you so much already.

Transfer time is set!

We have been assigned a time! Our little golden embie will be transferred on Saturday at 10 am (so 7 am West coast time)!! While we remain somewhat guarded, we are really starting to get excited now and can't wait to "meet" our embryo on Saturday morning. We will get a picture to take home, which will be treasured and proudly displayed on our fridge so we can remain focused on a positive outcome.

So, come Saturday morning, if you could, please say an extra prayer, send up an extra positive vibe, light an extra candle, think an extra positive thought, whatever it is that you wish to do to send a little more positivity into the universe on our behalf -- it would all be greatly appreciated. Thank you for sharing in our journey and for holding on to hope right along with us :)

Fertilization Report!

The IVF lab at our clinic called bright and early this morning with an encouraging report: 8 out of 10 eggs successfully fertilized! This means that we are ON for our Saturday transfer!! By the end of the week, the embryologists believe we will have between 3-5 embryos as our final number (on average, 30-40% of the embryos will not be viable by week's end) so this means that we will have our 1 embryo to transfer and then a few embryos to freeze, should this initial IVF attempt not take. We are VERY thankful for this good news and can rest a bit easier as we march steadily onward towards our transfer on Saturday. 

I am feeling very bloated today (according to our  nurses, this is to be expected post-retrieval) but the pain in my ovaries has lessened, so I am walking a bit more normally. For the remainder of the week, I am on a vaginal estrogen 3x a day, steroid 2x a day, antibiotic 2x a day, baby aspirin, prenatal vitamin, and progesterone injection regimen -- so I am still not feeling completely ship shape, but I am hopeful my body will adjust in time. The estrogen, progesterone and baby aspirin will continue on after the transfer up until beta day and if we get a positive result, the estrogen and progesterone will continue through most of the first trimester. In short, I have quite the medication schedule. But I am resolved to do whatever is necessary and it is ALL worth it if it gets us our family!

So what's next? We will get a call on Thursday letting us know what time our transfer will be on Saturday and depending on how early it is scheduled, I will have an acupuncture treatment either before or after the transfer procedure. And then, after Saturday, we wait! 10 loooong days until our beta blood test on the 25th. J and I are very encouraged and excited and at times, can't quite believe we have reached this stage in the process. For the first time in a long time, we're allowing ourselves to dream, and I can't help but think that maybe, just maybe, this time will be IT and we'll have joyful news to share with our family and friends after so many long years of heartache. For the first time in a long time, we are filled with hope. Thank you for being here with us and for sharing in our journey <3