Transfer day - with an unexpected twist

Please bear with me, this one takes a bit of time to explain...

On our drive up to the clinic this morning, my phone rang and we got the news from the embryology lab that the embryo they had defrosted had survived the thaw but wasn't looking as good as they had hoped. There were areas of fragmenting and dark spots that they were not pleased with. They were going to put it in the incubator in this high protein fluid to see if it would finish expanding and perhaps improve in an hour's time. However, it was at that point that we were told that it may become necessary to move on to our last embryo - and transfer them both. We were pretty stunned, as this was not in our initial "game plan" but decided to wait it out and see what happened. 

Just as my acupuncture appointment was coming to an end, the door opens and J walks in with the news that the lab had called again and they were officially downgrading our first thawed embryo to a C grade (from a BB) and labeling it as "poor quality." Definitely not good news. All three of the embryologists in the lab as well as our doctor were in agreement that it would be in our best interest (and better odds) to defrost the last remaining embryo, hope its quality is better, and then transfer both for maximum chance of success. We took a few minutes to deliberate and agreed with their professional assessment. So, instead of transferring just our Frosted Flake, we also transferred its "sibling" which my mom has nicknamed Snowball :) Snowball survived the thaw beautifully, has begun to hatch (which is a good sign, apparently), retained its BB grading, and is labeled as "fair" which (thankfully) is what they consider normal -- their standards are incredibly high so 'good' is only used to describe AA embryos, which occur less than 5% of the time. They assured me that Snowball looks just like they would hope and were very pleased. Both the embryology team and our doctor think that the two combined give us a good shot at success - my lining looked great and the transfer went off without a hitch. 

Despite an emotional morning with an unexpected turn of events, we are feeling optimistic and, quite honestly, relieved to be trying something different this cycle. Maybe, just maybe, this will be the one. The only scary things are that this is IT for these embryos - if neither of these two implant, we will have to start all over again, egg retrieval and all. And, if neither implant, it will be doubly heartbreaking. Additionally, there is an increased chance of twins when you transfer two, but it is unlikely to the poor quality of the first thawed embryo. But, you never know. If that is what is meant to be, then we will consider ourselves doubly blessed and we will figure it out. But let's not get ahead of ourselves. Truthfully, we are just SO THANKFUL to have renewed optimism, and hope with everything in us that {at least} one of the two embryos currently floating around my uterus will decide to stick around and join our family next year. TWO. There are TWO in there, right this very minute. Wow. What a Thanksgiving surprise! And now we just have to hope and pray for our holiday season miracle!

Without further ado, the photos:

A little silliness 

Us with our precious embies:
Frosted Flake, bottom left; Snowball, top right

Please keep the four of us in your thoughts and prayers over the next 13 days. We appreciate all the positivity and good juju you can spare! We love you all -- thank you to the moon and back for your continued love and support <3 

Triple T: Tuesday's Transfer Time

I almost thought the clinic had forgotten us but they finally called today just before 4pm. We're all set for Tuesday! Transfer time will be 11am EST. Acupuncture appointment will most likely be before, at around 9:15am.

We are very much looking forward to meeting our little Frosted Flake and can't wait to share a photo with you!

Until Tuesday....

Full Steam Ahead

Despite driving in horrible weather, my appointment yesterday went great and I am relieved to finally have good news to share! My uterine lining has reached its goal of 8 mm or more (it was 8.12 mm, to be exact) so we are ready to rock-n-roll! Our FET will be on Tuesday, November 24. Transfer time will be assigned this coming Sunday.

We're getting excited! Since J has Thanksgiving break next week, he will be able to go with me (hooray!!) and because of the timing of this FET, I will have six full days off in a row: taking two days off of work for the transfer (not thrilled about taking more PTO, but whatever) plus Thanksgiving and Black Friday are campus-wide holidays so I get those two days off automatically as paid holidays. And, those four days lead up to a weekend so there you go! We have friends staying with us for a few days beginning the evening of the 25th so all in all, the timing has worked out okay, thank goodness. I will be ready to cook up a storm come Thursday!

My ultrasound tech, Brittany, is so sweet and I was talking to her about how frustrated I've been with this whole cycle. She listened as she worked and then spoke these lovely words of wisdom, which will help carry me through the next few weeks: "I say, embrace the differences! Your prior two cycles may have been "easy" in comparison but they didn't give us the results we were hoping for, so who knows, maybe there's a reason." Wise words, Brittany, wise words indeed.

Obviously, she's not psychic. She doesn't know any more than we do how this cycle will turn out. No one does. This cycle could end up like the last two, or it could be THE ONE. We just don't know and we won't know until beta day (which, incidentally, will be December 7). All we can do is follow the doctor's orders and continue to hope for the best. And hold on to unexpected bits of positivity that have the power to alter our perspective, such as "embrace the differences." I can assure you this will become our new mantra.

We start progesterone shots tonight and the steroid and antibiotic regimen begins tomorrow. Here we go!

Time to change it up

Yes, friends, it's time to change it up. My mood, I mean. It's time to let the frustration and discouragement go and replace those nasty negative emotions with positive ones. It is the season of thanks, after all...

Gratitude that we get to try again, that we have two more beautiful embies on ice waiting for us, one of which could very well be - if it's our turn for a miracle - our long-awaited and desperately wished for "take-home baby."

Gratitude for the fact that my body is handling this the very best way it knows how - yes, my lining has been slow to grow but it's still growing. I'm asking so much of my body right now and it's doing what it can to oblige, taking one for the team time and again, with only the smallest of protests. And my heart - my heart hasn't wigged out on me once through this entire process and I can't tell you how thankful I am that it's holding steady and allowing us to continue plugging along towards our dream. Without its cooperation, this journey could very well have ended before we'd even begun.

Gratitude for a wonderful husband who loves me as I am, supports me in every way that I need, and reminds me when I am feeling worn down and hopeless that I am not broken, that we are in this together, that he believes in our family, and is proud of me for staying strong in the face of adversity, when, after so many years, it would have been far easier to wave our little white flag in defeat. I am proud of me and of us, too, and so very thankful that he is my partner in this life. J, you truly are the tops.

I am thankful for each of YOU, for supporting us through this experience, for showing us so much kindness and empathy, for offering words of encouragement, for commiserating in our sadness and disbelief, for sharing in our dream of parenthood and hoping right alongside us that one day, this dream of ours will finally be realized. We are so appreciative because, well, we get by with a {lot of help} from our friends and family. We couldn't do it without you. Your support and love mean the world to us and help us feel less alone, less isolated, and far more optimistic. Thank you.

Yes, this journey is difficult. It comes with many challenges and risks, but in the end, we made the choice to embark on this particular path, so will hold on to each other, take the plunge and continue to hope for the best. And not lose sight of our blessings along the way. Easier said than done at times, but well worth the effort because life goes on whether or not we get what we wish for and I don't want to blink and miss it.

Best Laid Plans Continued...

Nothing about this road is easy. That's a given. So I guess it shouldn't be *too* surprising that after two fairly "straight-forward" cycles, we have been graced with a frustrating one.

My ultrasound appointment this morning showed growth in the endometrial (uterine) lining but unfortunately, it's not enough. On Thursday, my lining was 6.1 mm and today, after adding more estrogen in the form of a patch that is stuck onto my stomach (and makes me nauseous), it is at 7.1 mm. To be considered "adequate," it needs to be between 7.5 and 8 mm. Which it is not. And, we don't want "acceptable," we want "optimal" or "great" or some other descriptor that would instill some level of confidence. So, I need to go back - again - on Wednesday for another recheck before they can decide whether or not I'll be ready for transfer on Monday, November 23. If not, at that point, they'll probably either add more estrogen (slap on another patch) and/or push out the transfer date.

We are frustrated and admittedly discouraged. I am missing so much work and am just so thankful my boss is as understanding and caring as she is - but I'm also tired and feeling glum about the whole situation.

As much as I adore Thanksgiving and especially Christmas, this time of year is extra hard for infertile folks. I just hope we have an extra special reason to celebrate this holiday season.

Third time's the charm, third time's the charm, third time's the charm...

The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men...

 ...often go {slightly} awry. Our FET will be pushed back a few days - from next Thursday, November 19, to either Monday or Tuesday of Thanksgiving week. Additionally, there is a *slight* possibility that transfer could be pushed out even further. Here's why:

I had my uterine lining check early this morning (followed by acupuncture) and despite the fact that I've been taking estrogen 3x a day (which is one pill MORE than I was taking at first last time), my uterine lining is not up to snuff. So, our doctor and nurse conferred and decided that adding an estrogen patch (in addition to my oral pills) would be the best plan of attack: I'll stick it to my upper abdomen and the estrogen will be absorbed through my skin. Bottom line: my lining needs a few more days to reach optimum thickness, otherwise there's no point in putting an embryo in there - without a cozy home to potentially nestle in to, it would be an out and out waste to do the transfer. Which is not what anybody wants. So, we will change up the meds and they will re-check me this Sunday for signs of progress. If things look like they're back on track, transfer will be either 11/23 or 11/24. However, if Sunday's ultrasound shows that my lining has not responded appropriately, more medication adjustments will need to be made, which will then push transfer out a few days further (ie post-Thanksgiving Day). Never mind that we're hosting friends from Memphis for Thanksgiving for four days beginning Wednesday evening, November 25th. Or, that we're hosting a holiday party at our house on December 6th (which we thought would be post-beta and something fun to help keep us occupied should we get bad news again, but which now could very well BE beta day, if transfer is on Monday, November 23.) Best laid plans, I tell ya. Best laid plans.

So why isn't my lining where it needs to be? Well, there are a few possible answers to that question, the first being that my body just went through all of this a few weeks ago and going directly in to another try without a break can sometimes mean that the body is slow to respond. Basically, it's tired. And we need to wake it back up. The second explanation could be that taking estrogen orally can sometimes affect the potency as it goes through your digestive tract. And lastly, my body may be developing a tolerance to it, so I may need higher and higher dosages the longer we're on this road in order for it to have the desired affect. It all makes sense, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.

An aside: I haven't felt well for the past week or so. I've been the kind of tired where your bones ache and your eye sockets feel like they're hanging down to your cheekbones. I've felt like I've been on the verge of getting either a cold or the stomach flu, depending on the day. On Sunday, it was both. And last night, I completely wigged out over something really trivial - hello, hormone overload. And now my lining isn't cooperating and today, the phlebotomist could locate my veins, but couldn't tap them - in her words, "it's like they've dried up!" In short, it feels a bit like my body is launching a revolt in protest. So much medication and emotional upheaval compressed in to a short period of time. Well guess what. I've got approximately 10 days to get my body on board with this transfer and I've got my game face on.

I can do this. This process won't win; WE will win. Third times a charm.

FET #2 is a go

Well, folks, we're off!

My cycle arrived on Saturday (a very happy Halloween to me) so today is cycle day 3. I spoke with my nurse this morning and we are a GO for our next embryo transfer! Blessedly, I do not have to go in for a baseline appointment this time (hooray for one less drive up North!), as there was no stimulation medication taken last cycle, so there should be no reason to believe that my insides are anything but ship shape and ready to receive our little Frosted Flake {get it? 'Frosted' because it's a frozen embie and 'Flake' as a shortened version of Snowflake :) We were sitting around last night talking about this upcoming transfer and I said to J, "We've had Embie and Snowflake. What are we gonna call the next one, Frosted Flake?" It made us smile and since coming up with a cute little nickname is getting more challenging as we go along, Frosted Flake it is!} 

My lining check appointment will be on cycle day 13, Thursday, November 12. Until then, I will take my estrogen 3x a day plus my prenatal vitamin and nightly baby aspirin. On the 12th, if all looks as it should (ie lining is over 7 mm thick), I'll add in my progesterone shots, followed by the regimen of steroids and antibiotics leading up to transfer day, which will most likely be either November 19 or 20. J is really hoping to go with me this time so fingers crossed that he can figure something out at work to get his classes covered!

Last night, we threw caution to the wind (ha!) and enjoyed a glass of wine as we toasted to transfer #3. We are so very hopeful that this next attempt will yield good news, the news we so yearn to hear and celebrate. We will continue to work on bolstering our optimism and positivity as we embark upon this third try and we invite you to join us. Our little embryo deserves all the hope and love we can give it -- after all, if it's our turn for a miracle, that little embie could very well be born in to this world next year and what a wonderful thought that is. We have to keep trying. Our baby is still out there.