11 weeks today! : An Update

It has been quite some time since I actually posted an update, especially one to the blog. And since this blog serves as a record of our experience, I thought I'd better do it! Please bear with me, this will be a bit lengthy...

I've been taking belly shots since week 6 and here is the most recent one:

It seems surreal that we've gotten this far but it's beginning to sink in more and more with each passing week. Getting to celebrate my first Mother's Day was amazing and J treated me to a lovely little brunch just us two (well, I guess technically 3!). I wasn't feel all that great (nausea and food aversions are still pretty bad but were especially gnarly from about weeks 7 - 10) but I managed to eat a fair amount of my french toast casserole:

Mother's Day brunch at Farm ( 9wks 2 days)

I had initially planned to go to my local gynecology office once we "graduated" from the infertility clinic but after leaving numerous messages, I was never able to get anyone to return my calls to schedule me for an appointment. So, I did a little research and selected another practice in town that accepts our insurance. So far, we're really pleased with them! We had our first OB appointment on Wednesday (May 18) which was essentially just a "meet-n-greet" to go over all of my medical history (personal and family) and get lots of blood work done - 6 vials! We also met with an insurance rep and got the breakdown of what we'll owe, when, which was very helpful.

The OB appointment - what we learned:
We both feel our first OB appointment went very well. The nurse we met with was incredibly thorough (she spent nearly 2 hours with us going over EVERYTHING) and we had a chance to go over some questions and concerns with her as she worked on inputting all information in to their computer system. Unsurprisingly, I am indeed a high risk pregnancy. There are two "smaller" contributing factors (my rh negative blood type and our long history with infertility coupled with the fact that this baby was conceived via IVF) but the main factor is, of course, my heart health. It was a bit unnerving to hear the phrase spoken out loud in regards to me and this pregnancy, even though we expected it, but the nurse was quick to assure us that it just means our situation warrants extra monitoring and specialized care - and that they will not take any risks with my health or the baby's health. We certainly appreciate that they will be monitoring me and this pregnancy closely and taking our situation seriously. Their main concerns are my arrhythmia issues (tachycardia history), the atrial fibrillation, and the fact that my heart is paced by my pacemaker. Additionally, there is an extra "risk" to be considered for the baby, as there is a risk of the baby inheriting a defect (my mom's brother was born with a very serious defect which necessitated his first open heart surgery at the age of 1; my maternal grandmother has an ASD which thankfully, doesn't pose her any health risks; and then of course, there are my issues). The doctors in the practice will meet at some point soon to go over my "case" and decide as a group how they'd like to handle my care going forward. The nurse also said that they will want to do a special fetal ultrasound around weeks 20-24 to look for any heart defects. This will be done at Riley Children's Hospital in Indianapolis, where they have a team of congenital heart specialists who will go over the scans taken during that ultrasound. This ultrasound has been on our radar for a few years, as the doctors at UCLA had also wanted to do the same thing, should we have had a successful pregnancy when we still lived in California. Lastly, she said that they expect my local cardiologist to be very involved in this pregnancy and be present at delivery, to assist in monitoring me and the baby - something that is very important to us as well. I have an appointment with my cardiologist here next month so we'll get more information on his take in a few weeks. Looong story short, it was, all in all, a very informative appointment!

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Our next OB appointment is next Wednesday, May 25 where we'll have an ultrasound, get my blood test results back, schedule the genetic testing we'll need to do and then have an appointment with one of the doctors in the rotation. We're anxious to see how thing are developing "in there" and hoping and praying all is progressing as expected. Our last ultrasound was 8 wks 4 days, and this next one will be 11 wks 5 days, so it will be exciting to see the development that has occurred over the past 3 weeks!! {There is a blood test they can do at this stage to determine gender but we've opted out of that as the cost is nearly $1,000 and since we are not at an elevated risk for any of the genetic issues it would test for, insurance wouldn't cover it. So we'll be "kickin' it old school" and waiting on the 18-20 week ultrasound to find out if baby is a boy or a girl!}


Please keep us and the baby (we're still trying to nail down a nickname!) in your thoughts for a positive appointment next week! And thank you, as always, for all of your love and support. We're just plugging right along...

Betas and First Ultrasound Appointment Date!!

Beta #1, 4/2 - 397 - WE'RE PREGNANT!!!!
Beta #2, 4/4 - 733 - doubling time of 55 hours, ie smack dab in the middle of "normal" range!! Dr and nurse team are very pleased :)

Our doctor told me the wrong beta number on Saturday. He said 367, but it was really 397! Potato, potAHto haha Initially, I was worried that my hcg level didn't officially double in 48 hrs (go from 397 to 794 or higher) but my nurse said it just has to increase by at least 60%, which it most certainly did: my number increased by 85%! The term "doubling time" is misleading because it doesn't really mean double so much as it means "increase." Anyway, that's why it pays to listen to people who know what they're talking about.

So, it's real. It's starting to sink in. This is happening and it's happening TO US. I'm 4 wks 2 days as of today - we're really pregnant and right now, blessedly and miraculously, it's progressing normally. I say "right now" because, well, I can't help but guard my heart. Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled! Over the moon, really, we both are. How could we NOT be?! But we still have to get through this first trimester which is chock full of hurdles and milestones, the next of which is pretty huge: the first ultrasound.

Breathe in, breathe out.

For those of you who have been on this journey with us for many years, you will remember that the first ultrasound of our last pregnancy in 2011 was when our world came crashing down. It was then that we were told that our baby had stopped growing at roughly 5.5 wks and I officially miscarried two weeks later. It was a horrible, dreadful day. So, J and I both have a decent amount of PTSD surrounding that first initial ultrasound. BUT. This pregnancy is NOT that pregnancy. This pregnancy is THIS pregnancy and I must remember that. For the sake of whomever is so happily growing in my womb at this very moment, I have to believe that this time will be different. It will be hard, but I will do it. I will choose to hold fast to hope and to faith because I said I would and I will. J will help me stay optimistic, he always does! My rock :)

So! Our first ultrasound is scheduled for Tuesday, April 19th at 9am - I will be 6 wks 3 days along and my nurse said that they will expect to see a heartbeat! Earlier than anticipated for a heartbeat check, but hey, what do I know? I have to stop questioning their knowledge and go with it - they have far more expertise in this area than I do, after all!

It's going to be a looooong two weeks....

Beta Day - Tomorrow, 4/2

The big day is nearly upon us. And in truth, I'm terrified.

Tomorrow, we'll find out if our final attempt was successful or not. Tomorrow, we'll find out if we get to continue on with our journey, or if we'll need to say goodbye to this particular path and begin another. Eight years of wishing, dreaming, hoping, praying, struggling, trying, waiting - it all comes down to tomorrow.

No matter the outcome, we can't thank you all enough for keeping us so close in your thoughts, hearts, and prayers over the course of the last 9-odd months (and many of you, throughout the entirety of this eight year odyssey). It's been quite the adventure - and regardless of what the beta results are, I can honestly say I'm glad we embarked down this path. If you don't try, then you'll never know. We did what we knew in our hearts we had to do and while this journey has broken our hearts and crushed our spirits many times over the last eight years, it has also taught us many valuable lessons - and, most importantly, despite seemingly its best effort, it hasn't broken us. On the contrary, I am who I am today because of what we've been through, and while I wish we hadn't needed fertility help (especially so much fertility help) I have grown as a person and J and I have grown closer as a couple. I'm saying this all now because if tomorrow's results are not what we hope, I know I won't be able to find the words.

Regardless of the news we get tomorrow, we're not giving up on our dream, and we are so grateful for the tremendous love and support you have all shown. If we get joyous news, we will move forward with cautious optimism (with big, sloppy grins on our faces), as we will still have many crucial hurdles ahead of us to clear. If we get the news we all fear, it will be...well, I don't want to think about it until I have to. But I can promise you this: after we've taken time to heal and gather ourselves, we'll set sail on a whole new life-encompassing adventure - adoption - and we won't stop until we get our happily ever after; not until our child is in our arms.

Thank you for sharing in our dream and for believing in it right alongside us. Until tomorrow...

Transfer Day Results

Spring. New beginnings. Rebirth. According to my acupuncturist, this year in Chinese medicine (the year of the Monkey) is supposedly known for luck and for miraculous occurrences. Sure hope she's right because it looks like we're really going to need one.

Only 2 of our 6 fertilized eggs made it to the blastocyst stage of embryo development (on day 5 of development, which is today, they are called blastocysts -- or blasts-- and blasts are preferable for transfer as opposed to earlier stages of embryonic development), with one more that is "hanging on" and we'll know more about that one tomorrow. But unless that 3rd one pulls through, there is nothing to freeze for a later cycle. Huge blow. Additionally, our 2 blasts are not as far along developmentally as the blastocyst embryos we had to work with before, so that was another dose of unexpected news. Last time, our blasts were stage 3 and 4, and this time, one is stage 1 and the other is stage 2. It's all very technical. The doctors and embryologists all conferred and agreed that transferring the 2 that were ready today would give them the best chance at survival and would in turn, give us the best chance of success.  The good news is that they are blastocysts, which as I said before are preferable for transfer. But bad news is that unless that 3rd fertilized egg catches up developmentally, this is our last try. That reality is still sinking in.

Normally, day 5 blasts that are further along in development come with a success rate of around 66% with a fresh transfer like we did today. However, since the two they transferred today were in earlier stages, they were not able to determine their quality so they put our success rate at 50%.

Are we disappointed? Yes. But a week ago yesterday, we were in danger of losing out on this cycle entirely so it is a blessing to even have this chance. The way I see it, we have two choices: despair and spend the next 10 days fearing the worst, or remain optimistic and hope for the best. We've made our choice and I'm happy to report that our hope is far bigger than our fear. We will not give up. These two embies are precious to us. They are likely our final chance for a biological child and we love them dearly already. After the rollercoaster cycle we just had, the fact that we have them at all is miraculous. Our embies deserve every ounce of optimism we can muster. After all, one or both could make our dreams of parenthood come true.

Beta day is April 2. Please join us in remaining hopeful and optimistic that this will be our time. We thank you all so much for your love, for your continued support and for sharing in our dream. We couldn't navigate this journey without you <3

Our beautiful embies <3

UPDATE: The third embryo we were hoping would pull through for us to freeze for a later cycle (if needed) did not make it. The two that were transferred on 3/23 are our two shining beacons of hope. This IVF attempt will be our last.

Transfer Day Info and Updates

It's been quite a week. Lots of ups and downs but we made it and transfer day is coming up on Wednesday (March 23)!!

For recap purposes (and to document all on this blog, since this space serves as my record):

Tuesday, March 15
Not a good day. (For anyone who hasn't had a chance to read the email I sent out that afternoon, this was the day we very nearly lost this cycle, but thanks to a LOT of medication and the quick reaction of our doctor and nurse team, it was salvaged and we were able to continue on. Disaster averted.

Friday, March 18 - Egg Retrieval
Arrived at the clinic at 7am, got checked in, and IV was successfully started by the anesthesiologist without issue. The procedure itself went smoothly - they retrieved 16 eggs and we were on our way back home by 9:45am. Unlike last time, I did experience some bleeding and I also had more pain in my abdomen this time (still do, actually). My pain meds were effective but they made me very nauseous and dizzy so I spent most of the day in bed and later, on the couch.

After "sobering" up from anesthesia

 Saturday, March 19 - Fertilization Report
The clinic called just before 8am with news about our eggs. As it turned out, only 10 of the 16 retrieved were mature and then only 4 of those 10 successfully fertilized. For comparison: last time, 10 eggs were retrieved, and 8 of those 10 fertilized, and then 4 of those 8 developed in to embryos. So, we were quite disappointed and a bit distraught that only 4 fertilized, because we know there is likely going to be what they refer to as a "drop off" between fertilization and embryo development. In short, it is likely we'll lose some before Wednesday's transfer. 

Sunday, March 20 - Blood work and a bit of good news
We traveled up north on Sunday morning for follow-up blood work. While we were in the car, the clinic called with some good news: 2 more eggs had fertilized, bringing our number up to 6! There is still the risk of the "drop off" between now and Wednesday, and we won't know the final number of embryos we'll have to work with until I arrive for the transfer. Good thoughts are appreciated that as many of those 6 as possible develop all the way into embryos!!

Wednesday, March 23 - TRANSFER DAY!
Transfer time is 11:30am! Since transfer is a bit later in the morning, I will have an acupuncture appointment beforehand. Unfortunately, J is unable to accompany me so my boss will take me up North and a friend of ours will pick me up to take me home afterwards, as my boss is unable to stay for the whole time - a tag team effort! We are so thankful for all the help we receive!

Thank you in advance for your good thoughts, prayers, and energy leading in to Wednesday and through the 10-day wait until Beta day on April 2! We fully understand and appreciate that you all lead your own busy lives so it truly means the world to us that you take the time to carve out a little space for us. Thank you <3 I will share a photo of our transferred embryo/s on Wednesday evening, once J and I are able to view it/them together. We are excited for transfer day and so very grateful that despite the nerve-wracking few weeks we've had, we get the opportunity to try again. A minor miracle, to be sure! Here's to hoping for an even bigger miracle in the coming days and weeks ahead...

IVF Fresh Round #2 / IVF Cycle #4 - 3rd Ultrasound Results

Thanks to IU's Spring Break, J was able to make the trip up North with me this morning for our 3rd ultrasound check - it was so nice to have a buddy in the car and we're both so glad he will be able to attend all of my appointments this week! 

As of right now, there are 6 eggs that have reached the low end of the acceptable size range for retrieval (18mm+) but our Dr thinks that with another night of medication, we could increase that number to 10 or more...which is definitely what we want to see happen! My estrogen level was 1,233 this morning (which seems high and it is but not too high for what we're doing), and since my estrogen is increasing in expected increments and not increasing too fast like it did last time, we will be doing one more night of medication: same dose of Menopur but increasing the dosage of the Follistim from 75 iu to 125 iu. As much as I would love to be done with these meds, if one more night will help those eggies grow, then great, count me in. We realize that in the end, we cannot control the number of eggs that reach maturity but 6 would be too few...it would likely leave us with just 1 or 2 embryos and that would be...well, frankly, it'd be very dismal. So, we are definitely counting on this last night of medication to give those "on the fence" eggs a bit of a push to reach the finish line.

Our 16 eggs still in the running: the ones 12 and smaller are unlikely to reach maturity but tonight's medication will hopefully give those that are 13 and 15 the necessary "oomph" to stay in contention! The ones that are 16 and 17 are very close and those, too, will likely be retrieved along with the ones currently coming in at 18 and 19mm. Counting the 15mm and up eggs, we are hopeful for 10...but oh, wouldn't it be nice to get more??

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The next few days should unfold as follows: make the drive up North tomorrow morning and Wednesday morning for blood work and ultrasounds. Tomorrow (Tuesday) night, J will give me a Lupron injection in my stomach and an HCG injection in my rear end and then 12 hours later (Wednesday morning), he will give me one last Lupron injection. The HCG primes my eggs for retrieval and must be given 36 hours before my scheduled retrieval time. The Lupron (in this case) will help stabilize/suppress my rising estrogen levels and help my body not hyperstimulate following egg retrieval, which is the most common time for the dreaded OHSS (ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome) to occur. Barring any unforeseen circumstances, egg retrieval is scheduled for Thursday, time still to be determined - hopefully, we'll find out tomorrow. I will send out a quick email just as soon as we find out what time retrieval will be.

Unlike last time, I know what to expect on retrieval day, which is both good and bad - good because I know what to expect going in to the procedure and bad because, well, I know what to expect going in to the procedure :) While egg retrieval is certainly a necessary, vital step in the IVF process, the procedure itself is minor surgery and comes with a certain degree of risk. Additionally, I am required to take an antibiotic on an empty stomach (never pleasant - last time, I got so nauseous on the drive up to the clinic that I nearly vomited on the side of the road), inserting an IV in me is never an easy task as my veins are very small and rarely cooperate (good news though - because of how difficult it proved to be last time, they've made a note in my chart to have the anesthesiologist do it, not the nurse), and the uncomfortable factor really amps up for a few days afterward...which is definitely to be expected, given the circumstances. Learn more about the egg retrieval process here: http://www.advancedfertility.com/aspiration.htm
But without it, there are no embryos and since that is entirely the point of this whole process...hooray for egg retrieval day!! We're nearly there...

We are optimistic that this extra day of medication will bring us closer to double digits as far as eggs to be retrieved so please join us in hoping hoping hoping my body and the meds together can make that happen! While tomorrow's ultrasound scan will give us a good idea of what we can expect to be retrieved on Thursday, ultimately, we won't know the offical number until the doctor gets in there and sees what's what. Fingers firmly crossed!!

Fresh IVF Round #2 / IVF #4 - 2nd Ultrasound Results

Just a quick update - we had our 2nd ultrasound to check on the egg follicles today and they counted 4 more than on Thursday, bringing the total up to 21! (see explanation below) Definitely feeling that growth - my ovaries are incredibly sore - making walking quite uncomfortable - and my belly is bloating more and more with each passing day. All that I am feeling is to be expected - a "normal" cycle would only produce 1 egg whereas my body is being "coaxed" via medication to produce far more than that. Additionally, my estrogen levels are on the rise: 838, up from 203 on Thursday. J took a photo of the ultrasound in progress this morning - not sure if this is my left or right ovary but you can see a few of the larger follicles in the picture.

The largest of the 21 eggs is 16 mm, quite a few are 15 mm, a couple are in the 14-12 mm range, a few are 11-10 mm and the rest are 9 mm or smaller. That being said, our nurse told us that even though the total they can see at this point is 21, the more realistic number to expect to be retrieved next week is actually closer to 12 - 14, as several are too small to catch up in time to be considered viable (18-23mm+). We are VERY hopeful they can retrieve at least as many as were retrieved last time (10) but if we could get more than that, we'd certainly be very pleased!! More eggs = more potential embryos so we are keeping our fingers firmly crossed.

Tonight, we will continue with the 75 iu of Menopur and 75 iu of Follistim, but we will add in Ganirelix as well (250 mcg). My next ultrasound appointment is Monday - at this point, they anticipate trigger day (Lupron shot as well as a shot of HCG...HCG primes my eggs for retrieval and must be given 36 hours before my scheduled retrieval time) will either be Monday, 3/14 or Tuesday, 3/15, which will put retrieval at either Wednesday, 3/16 or Thursday, 3/17. Over halfway there!

I'll update again on Monday. Happy, positive thoughts that everything continues to go as anticipated and that those eggs grow, grow, grow!!

Fresh IVF Round #2 / IVF Cycle #4 - First Follicle Check

So far, so good! 

Oddly enough, just like last time, I have 17 eggs currently growing, but unlike last time, these 17 are already ALL large enough to measure by the first ultrasound! Back in August, with fresh cycle #1, the first ultrasound only showed a few follicles. It was during the 2nd ultrasound that more became visible so we're very encouraged that after just four days of 75 iu of Menopur + 75 iu of Follistim, 17 eggs are visible and seemingly on a good growth path! By the end of the injection meds (known as the STIM phase, which is usually around 9-12 days of shots), all viable eggs should be around 23-28 mm. Right now, after just four days, one egg is already over 11 mm, most are at or slightly above 10 mm, with just 2 or 3 around 8 / 9 mm, and one little lolly-gagger at 6.7 mm. Since this is our last chance at this, we want to retrieve as many eggs as we can so we can make as many embryos as we can. Last time (as a refresher), I had 17 eggs growing, and of those 17, 10 were of viable size and retrieved. 8 of those 10 fertilized, and 4 of those 8 made it to the "end". So, you can see why having more eggs retrieved would be a positive thing... We're off to a good start!

In addition to an acupuncture appointment, I also had blood work done today and so far, my estrogen is not getting too high so all in all, the Dr is quite pleased, as are we! We will go back for a 2nd follicle check this Saturday. For now, we are to keep doing the 75 iu of Menopur + 75 iu of Follistim for the next two nights, and then the 3rd injection (Ganirelix) will be added to the mix on Saturday.

Grow, little eggies, grow!!

J prepping meds for the first night of injections

Icing my injection site that first night 

A few of you have asked how I'm feeling on the meds thus far (thanks for your concern!), and to be honest, I'm not feeling that great. I think it must be because this is the second fresh cycle and also, because in August, we hadn't undergone fertility treatment since early 2012 so my body was med-free and now, well, it's been put through the ringer. For 5 months nearly straight, my system was absolutely water-logged with hormones and medications and they've left an indelible mark. I've spent the last 2.5 months trying to get my body and mind as prepared as possible for this current cycle, but this whole process is very taxing, and in truth, it takes longer than a few months to completely heal. But hey, we're doing this, and my body is responding well, so if I have to feel lousy for a bit, such is life! So long as my heart is doing well and handling the meds like a champ, I can put up with the other unpleasantries.

**Side Note: J was gone to NYC for work for two days which meant I had to give myself shots those nights. It was definitely a challenge but I did it, and I'm proud of myself! J took a picture of me "practicing" (ie actually giving myself shots but with him there just in case I needed help) the night before he left as photographic proof (haha) but let's just pretend I shared it with you guys and then actually don't do it...because as it turns out, a photo of me bending over to jab myself in a pinched-for-easier-access belly roll isn't flattering. At all :) ** 

Luck of the Irish? : Beginning of Fresh IVF Round #2 / IVF Cycle #4

In the months leading up to starting our IVF journey last May, I read blog after blog written by women who had undergone the process. Some were success stories, others were not. But one thing I found consistent in all of them was this: expect the unexpected. Unforeseen circumstances go hand-in-hand with infertility treatment in general, but especially with IVF. Our situation is no different. On Friday, we were almost 100% certain we'd have to delay until May. I was distraught and so frustrated. But by 7pm that very same evening, we were thrown for a loop again. I stretched and something in my back popped - and then I was fine. No more urination issues, just like that. I'm a firm believer in chiropractic care but this was obviously out of the norm. Cautiously optimistic, we proceeded to my 10:45 a.m. ultrasound appointment yesterday morning and we were met with positive news: ovaries and uterus look great. I submitted a urine sample and we made the 1.5 hr drive back home. Still no bladder issues. I woke up this morning after sleeping through the night without getting up to use the bathroom - a first in I don't know how long (because it's normal for me to get up once to pee). Then the clinic called to tell me that my urine specimen was negative for infection and if we chose to proceed, there was no medical reason for us to delay starting this cycle. So, long story short, we are BACK ON TRACK!! I am feeling just fine and we will begin injections TONIGHT: 75 iu of Menopur, 75 iu of Follistim. Repeat for 4 nights, first follicle check ultrasound is next Thursday at 8:30am. Holy crap, here we go...

May the luck 'o the Irish be with us this month!! (Hey, I'm at least a 1/4 Irish, so I can claim it, right?! And at this point, I'll take what I can get!)

Unfortunate Timing - The Trouble With Unforeseen Events

Today is cycle day 1. I have a baseline ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow morning at 10:45am which is supposed to tell us if I can proceed with taking the ovary stimulation meds to get this fresh IVF cycle underway. I'm to begin meds on Sunday, if all looks well.

However. We are now facing a potential game-changer, all thanks to my bladder. I thought I had a UTI. I started having some bladder issues last Saturday which persisted through the weekend and in to Monday. I called my clinic, described my symptoms, and because bladder infections are very uncommon for me, they were comfortable prescribing me an antibiotic over the phone, which I began on Monday night. I finished the antibiotic yesterday morning and all seemed to be much improved -- until last night. I was urinating so frequently and battling such severe cramps that I didn't fall asleep until 2am. Despite the fact that I have not had anything to drink since 9pm last night, the urination issues are persisting. Not only that, but I'm having the worst period pain I've had in years - are the two things related somehow? I have absolutely no clue. All I know, is that I've never had this trouble before. And I'm supposed to start meds this weekend. Are you freaking kidding me?!

Our ultrasound tomorrow could show uterine fibroids which (depending on the type and location) could be the cause of my urination frequency - but they would have to be removed, which would mean we'd have to delay this cycle for a few months. And the procedure expense would be out of pocket. The ultrasound could also show absolutely nothing - which means it would be up to us to make the decision to delay in order to get to the bottom of why my bladder is acting this way. I don't know what to hope for or against, in this scenario. My bladder issues could resolve on their own in a week...or not. We just don't know. I could wake up tomorrow and feel better all around. Sleep through the night without waking up several times to void my bladder. Or not. I'm just so freaking mad and worried and frustrated. I can't even believe this, to be honest. I hate that this is happening.

Per our loan contract, once I take that first dose of medication (which would be this Sunday), we have officially begun treatment. So, despite the fact that my bladder issues may continue or worsen, I would have to keep taking the meds or be in breach of contract, which would forfeit our cycle. We'd be DONE. Not to mention the fact that I really have NO IDEA why I'm urinating so often - the cause could be nothing to worry about, something that will resolve on its own, or I could be potentially ignoring something important. Something that could be a real health concern and/or something that could potentially have a negative effect on the outcome of our IVF attempt. Bottom line: this is our LAST shot at this. Pumping my body full of hormones, even when I'm feeling normal, is a risk and it makes me feel like garbage. So pumping myself full of hormones when I'm not feeling normal, and when there is something going on that I'm not attending to, that's very risky and, quite frankly, irresponsible. I have to have minor surgery to remove my eggs. If there is an infection somewhere in my body, or another medical issue that's going untreated, that's also a risk. What if not resolving the bladder issue somehow affects egg quality or the number my body is able to produce? Or somehow affects my body's response to the meds?

Regardless of the reason why a decision would be made to delay this cycle, delaying would mean having to wait until May. This month (March) was a good time to start again because the timing of the egg retrieval (and thus, embryo creation) would fall during J's Spring break schedule. The same cannot be said for April -- too many scheduling conflicts. So we'd have to wait until May, when school is over for the semester.

I am absolutely beside myself. In addition to being scared that something is really wrong with me and that whatever it is will require treatment of its own, I'm just so terribly, terribly disappointed that we may have to delay this for a few more months -- and not because I just need some more time to rest my body and mind, but because I have to look in to something ELSE to do with my health. I feel like I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I'm just so incredibly sick of all of this, I can't even tell you. The timing is just so unbelievably unfortunate. I've been feeling absolutely fine for months. I just don't understand why this is happening now.

I'm sorry this post is kind of all over the place. I'm just really, really upset. I'll let you know what we find out/decide tomorrow.

Before We Begin Again - An Update

First things first: we received the necessary authorization (!!) from our loan company to continue on with our final IVF round as anticipated and as planned. Big step and big sigh of relief. We are lots of things these days (mainly anxious, scared and cautiously optimistic) but we are also very thankful we get another chance. Our journey could have come to a very abrupt end and it didn't, and for that, we are very relieved and very grateful.

Secondly, once our clinic received the official authorization, my nurse put in my med order. Different pharmaceutical company than last time (thank GOD because they were horrible) and the experience couldn't have been more different: I was assigned a case manager who I worked with from the very first day. I worked with her and only her, so the transaction was smooth and efficient. AWESOME. We received our order on Saturday so we are good to go. We ended up ordering far less than last time because I still have leftover unused medication from the last fresh cycle in August but it was still appalling how much the medication cost us, considering I applied for and received a discount plus the fact that we ordered roughly a 1/3 of what we ordered last time. See pic below of the new med order (unused medication that will also be used is not pictured):

New med order. Unbelievably, this is $796 worth of medication. Yowza.

We are trying our best to mount as much optimism and hope as we can, in the face of this next round and despite the nagging fear in our hearts and minds. This feels much more intense emotionally than it did before -- and we thought it was hard last time. We are staring down the barrel of our final round of chances for me to carry our child in my own womb and it's terrifying. Hard to accurately put in to words, really. The reality of our situation and the pressure we feel because of our situation are huge. We entered in to the first round last August with the knowledge that even though we desperately hoped round one (whether by fresh embryo transfer or frozen) would be successful, we knew we had round two to "fall back on." It provided us with a safety net of sorts. Well, we are cashing in that safety net, without another to give us comfort, and the knowledge that this is IT is immense.

Our goal for this medicated cycle is to try and be as positive and as hopeful as we can, and not let fear have {too much of} a leg to stand on. It's a tall order, if I'm being honest, but we have to give it our best. We owe it to our embryos yet-to-be-created. If I may ask something of you? When you think of it, and when you have a moment (because I know you ALL have your own things going on**), over the course of this next phase, could you please send me a boost of hope, inspiration, or positivity? Just a quick text, Facebook message, email (or hey, a quick call, I love hearing from you guys) relaying some message of optimism, whether it be a photo or quote or just a quick and simple, "you've got this. I love you." Or something to make me laugh! I'm feeling very vulnerable and it would be amazing to have that added boost of support from you, our people.

**You, our community of support, are our family and friends. And family and friends are there for one another. So if J and I can support YOU in any way, please let us know. Truly. Please do. We may be going through a season of hardship but we always, ALWAYS have room in our hearts for the needs of our family and friends. Just keep that in mind...

We are set to begin with the arrival of my next period cycle, which will be somewhere in the ballpark of March 3-5. Less than 2 weeks from now. Hard to believe. I will update again once we are officially underway but I just wanted to give you all a little update on where we are and what's next. xo

What Are You Willing to Struggle For?

I ran across an article today that encouraged people to ask themselves, "What am I willing to struggle for?" instead of the usual, "What is that I want out of life?" The point is to help identify what it is that we want for ourselves -- and if it's truly something we want, then it should be something that we're willing to work hard for, make sacrifices for, be uncomfortable for, in pursuit of that "thing," whatever it may be. An example given was that many people say they want an amazing job - but most people aren't willing to put in a 60-hour work week, put up with the ins and outs of a big corporation, be okay with small salary to start as you work your way up the ladder, or commit to a long daily commute in order to make that particular dream happen. Most dreams don't just fall from the sky- they require hard work and personal sacrifice. But, some are willing to do what it takes, even if the going gets tough. Knowing your boundaries and what you're willing to put up with to attain what you want in life is important. You can read the full article here if you're interested.

Well, friends, I think we've most assuredly identified, without a shadow of a doubt, what it is that J and I are willing to struggle for: our family. But, it was great to read that article and feel that validation of, "yes, as much as it hurts, as much as we wish we didn't have to be on this journey, as much as we're ready to be done and have our family, we're willing to do what it takes, whatever it is that we can do, to make our dream of family a reality." We've been through hell and back in the last eight years, and we're not done yet. We've spent upwards of $45,000 thus far (including our current loan), endured countless procedures, taken more medication that I care to think about, been heartbroken more times than I can count, been patients at three different infertility clinics, all in the pursuit of our little miracle. We're committed. One way or another, whether through my own womb or through adoption, we will welcome a child or children in to our family - and oh, what a glorious day that will be!

On that note, I thought I'd better update everyone on where we stand. Currently, we are awaiting approval from our infertility loan company - every 6+ months, they require updated blood work, which they then either approve or disapprove. Success through IVF is so arbitrary but they have to have some way of assessing risk. And, since it's a shared risk "program" they want to make sure that we're still a good bet, meaning they want to check my ovarian reserve and make sure it has not diminished (basically, that I'll continue to produce a good number of eggs to then be turned in to embryos) and that I'm not going in to early menopause. It happens, so they just have to check and then determine if we're still worth the risk. We hope they think so. Otherwise, we're done. They could just adjust our loan amount by half and wipe their hands of us. It's scary. My nurse said it's unlikely that they'll disapprove but since we've gone through a full IVF cycle (which consisted of 1 fresh transfer and 2 frozen embryo transfers) without any success, it puts us on edge. Please hope for approval...as much as I dread putting my body through another medicated fresh cycle, I'm willing to do it because our dream of family is worth it. It's worth the risk, it's worth it all, so long as we get to try.

Once all of that is determined (and hopefully, we're given the green light), we can proceed with our fresh cycle, which will begin the first week of March. My meds will be ordered in about a week or so, I'll await my next period and then once it arrives, we'll be off and running. Egg retrieval would be sometime mid-March with transfer scheduled for 5 days after that.

I can't believe we are here but we are. This is our last shot. We're committed. We're in this to win this. I've decided that as much as this journey has tried to break me, I won't allow it to. I won't get in to it here, but January was one of the worst months we've experienced on this journey thus far, emotionally speaking. Let's just simplify it and call it extreme post-holiday blues. But, we've come too far and this is too important to start waving our little white flag. I'm stronger than infertility, and I'm stronger than all of the heartbreak and anxiety that comes with it. J and I are stronger than it all - we've been through hell before and came out stronger on the other side - and we're not letting this struggle get the better of us. Our child is still out there, and we're not giving up just because the going has gotten tough. So show me what you've got, IVF process. I'm ready for you and I'm more stubborn than you could ever imagine.

Thank you for being our village and for loving us through it all. Your support means more than I could ever put in to words. Until early March...

The eighth year

I've chosen not to share this post (or the one I wrote the other day) via email because sometimes I just need to write. It helps me. So if you stumble upon this on your own, that's okay. But know that this post is for me. And what I mean by that is this: It's not a post that feels resilient and strong. It's not one that ends on a "feel-good" hopeful note. It probably won't give you the impression that I've "got this," but that's fine. Sometimes, I just have to be completely authentic and embrace whatever emotions rise to the surface. I'm allowed that, I deserve that. I have to let what I feel out so I can process it and continue soldiering on.

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February 2016 will mark eight years of being on this journey of ours. Five and a half of those eight years were "actively trying" years, while the other two and a half were broken down {roughly} as follows: September 2009 - 2010, undergo and recover from heart surgery; June 2012 - 2013, move to Indiana and focus on other aspects of our lives. Never, in those 32 months "off" from family building did we ever abandon our hope or want for a family. So in some ways - in many ways - we feel the full breadth of those eight years. 66 months of actively trying to build our family + 32 months of continuing to hope and dream...98 months. It's a very long time. In truth, it feels like an eternity.

It feels like that light at the end of the tunnel that people talk about is something that is not meant for us. Because it feels like that light is not any closer today than it was eight years ago. Because we don't know why we can't get pregnant. Because nothing we've done has worked. Because there is not much else left to do.

We've got one full round left. Honestly, the idea of starting over again from egg creation to embryo transfer makes me sick to my stomach. It's exhausting. It's mentally draining and physically taxing. I'll be pushing my body to the brink. Again. But I have to believe it'll be worth it because otherwise, what's the point?

I turn 32 next month. The baby we lost in 2011 should be turning four this year. This year, our eighth year, has to be the one. I'm tired. I'm scared. I'm so beyond sad when it comes to our situation that the word 'sad' in and of itself has lost all meaning. It's our turn for a miracle. It just has to be our turn.

Finding the 'Something Good' in Every Day

I've been struggling. Finances are super hard right now. More so than I care to admit out loud. Embarrassingly bad, even. So bad that I fear this journey of ours was a financial mistake in every possible way. And that makes me immeasurably sad and filled with immense anxiety because no matter which path to parenthood we choose, spending money we don't have is the only way for us to get there. Having a biological baby by my own womb via IVF, adoption, surrogacy -- they all cost an astronomical amount of money. And those are our options. So it's absolutely horrid to feel like wanting a family, with every ounce of who we are, is the wrong thing to want. You don't have money for a car? You don't get a car. You don't have money for a house? You don't get a house. You can't afford a loan for those things? Then you don't get the loan and by proxy, you don't get those things you wanted. You do without. But what if you don't have money for a baby? And it's all you want in life? And you've spent the better part of 8 years trying to achieve this dream of yours? Because a new car, a new house, you can live without those things. You'll just keep driving the car you have and keep renting instead of buying. But a family? Family IS life. So what then? It's beginning to feel stupid, what we're doing. Foolish. And it breaks my heart. I look at our financial situation and I feel nothing but dread and anxiety and fear. We can't afford to do this, and yet, we are. I've always tried to reason with myself and say it'll be worth it when it works. Because it would be. {It WILL be} But now, one full IVF in, I'm not so sure it will work anymore. And what then? Well, we're not walking away from our chance for a family - so we'd embark down a new path, which would mean, you guessed it! More money. I'm tired. I need a vacation, some time to just "be" but I don't get to do that. I have to save up my PTO hours for the next try instead.

Everyone has their struggles. Everyone. I know each one of you has things going on in your own life that you wish you could change. It's a part of life, I suppose. The trick is finding a way to manage and navigate these challenges...

Long story short, I'm scared and times are hard. And unless I want to go crazy, I have to {HAVE TO} focus on what makes me happy. Because if I don't, I lose. We lose. And having been down that particular path before as well, I can't allow it to happen again. This process won't get the better of me. I may sometimes feel like I'm beginning to crack, but I'm not broken. So what makes me content? Let me count the ways:

J. Without him, I'd be lost. He is my rock and my best friend. My true North. We've spent more of our lives together than apart, and he knows me nearly as well as I know myself. And he loves me. Scars (both emotional and physical), anxieties, short-comings and all. He encourages me and shares in my dreams. We've built a life together and are so beyond ready to build a family together, too.

My family. I miss them. Every. Single. Day. But the memories we've made together make me smile. I am so blessed to have a family I enjoy spending time with, that I openly share my life with. We're there for each other and have seen the good, the bad, and the downright ugly but we don't walk away. We hold each other up and get through it together. 

My friends. If only we all lived closer. I wish we could share in our daily lives like we once did in school. The small moments mixed in with the larger ones. But I'm so fortunate to have amazing friends who still stay in touch despite where life has taken each one of us. Friends who are really more like family than friends. I am lucky to have such people to call "my people."

Chloe and Kobe. The fur babies. Our little loves. Oh my goodness, do those two make me smile. Every day, they do the nuttiest things and bring such joy to the mundane. They teach us about gratitude, trust, happiness and unconditional love. They've been steadfast friends through life's biggest challenges and their silent comforting presence is sometimes all I need. 

Reading. To get lost for a little while, to fall away from all of life's many responsibilities and pressures is a gift. I've gone so many places, met so many people, had so many experiences -- between the pages of books. Reading is a refuge and a joy and I love it. And I love that I love it.

Photography. I forget about what's troubling me when I'm out in nature, focused on the landscape in front me. Getting the lighting just right, the angle, the composition. It's relaxing. I'm engaged with the world around me and time falls away. To me, photographs are just another way to tell a story.

Writing. For as long as I can remember, I've processed what I'm feeling and expressed who I am through the written word. I love words and how they allow you to share yourself with others. I've always had a journal or blogged or written long-winded letters, then emails. I majored in writing in college - poetry, specifically. I enjoyed writing papers in school. I like choosing just the right word for just the right situation. I like how sentences flow, how they sound when read aloud, and will often move the words around until the sentence sounds and flows just how I want it to. Words are the closest thing to magic, I think, because they transform our language into stories, experiences, adventures, emotions. And how amazing is that?

Cooking. Being in the kitchen relaxes me. I like trying new recipes and enjoy preparing meals for others - especially hosting for the holidays. To me, food is another way to express love and offer comfort.

What else? Music, the holidays, doing things for others, gardening, scented candles, soft blankets, movies, popcorn with dark chocolate M&Ms mixed in, Skype dates with family and friends, English breakfast tea, when our family and friends visit, my gentle yoga class, snow, trips to the library, apples and peanut butter, my electric blanket, the sound of rain, sunsets and sunrises, unexpected good fortune (no matter how small), a good belly laugh, autumn leaves, red wine, a good night's rest. Dreams. Our dreams make me happy. They make me sad, too, if only because one dream in particular has been so hard for us turn in to a reality. But that dream is the biggest 'happy' of them all and we'll get there. I have to believe that.

So. When I'm down and feeling beaten and about to break, I must read this list and then add to it. Because while every day may not be good, there is something good in every day.  So long as I can always manage to find it, I'm winning.