Processing

Thank you, everyone, for your thoughtful and loving responses to my post yesterday. You really have no idea how much your support means to us. When I'm having a down day, reading your words of encouragement truly lifts my spirits.

In response to one of those thoughtful emails from a dear friend, and after processing it for a day, I came to the conclusion that for me, it's not "just" that J can't be there with me on transfer day. Obviously, that's most of it, but also, it's that no one will be there. It's that we no longer live nearby to those closest to us. It's that I'll be experiencing this big thing all by my lonesome.

Years ago, when we first ventured down the path to building our family, we felt alienated. It was and is an incredibly lonely feeling to want children but not be able to have them. To watch others around you add to their families but be unable to add to your own. And, it hasn't gotten any easier as the years have passed. True, we've gotten better at handling it, we've gotten better at processing our emotions and being able to feel real joy for others while simultaneously juggling a feeling of sadness for our own situation. But it still hurts, and it's still a lonely place to be - especially as the years pass by and the number of our friends with children continues to steadily eclipse those without...and we continue to find ourselves on the "without" side.

Additionally, when we first moved here from CA, I experienced a real period of loneliness. J was so busy with school during the week and with marching band responsibilities on the weekends and it took me a very long time to make friends. Making friends as an adult is SO MUCH HARDER than making friends as a kid or when you're still in school. I've always made friends easily so this was a whole new experience for me. I didn't have any outlet to make friends my own age, with similar circumstances. Three years later, I'm a bit embarrassed to admit that I don't yet have a friend group here. I have one friend whom I see on occasion, and J and I share a few friends but again, it's not a regular "friendly" situation. I did have a friend who moved here for the Jacobs School (like us) who over the course of two years became a good friend, but she moved away this year. We do, however, have new neighbors who seem like promising friend "candidates" - in fact, we're having dinner with them next week! So that's encouraging.

I have discovered over the course of our time here, that as a married woman in my early 30s, I am an enigma of sorts - I have trouble fitting in with the social groups that are around me. Many married women my age have kids (especially here in the Midwest). Yet, I don't have children, so there are no play dates where I'd interact with other young women and potentially make a friend. No preschool or daycare, where I'd come in to contact with other young women like myself. I work in a very small department and I'm the youngest one by far - everyone else is my parent's ages or older (with the exception of one, but she and I are very different people). And we live in a college town, so there are LOTS of young women, but they're undergrads...and I'm not. Or they're in grad school but not married, or newly married but super involved and too busy to make new "outsider" friends (this has truly been my experience - it's not great). All in all, it's been challenging time friendship wise.

{Bear with me, I'm circling back...}

So, back to the transfer. Learning that J could not accompany me to the transfer was hard but it was also hard to realize that I don't have anyone here I'd feel comfortable having along with me in his place...and that I had to ask my boss to take me instead. Here we are, trying so desperately to grow our family, and the most important person in my life can't be there by my side, as much as he and I both wish he could be. In short, the feelings of loneliness and "other" that I've been fighting for years were reinforced yesterday. I just flat out felt very alone all of a sudden, and it was hard to explain at the time. I'm glad I can now say that I understand my feelings, though, because now that I understand why I was feeling a certain way, I can work my way through them and put them in their place. It's no one's fault. It's just the way it is! Circumstances are what they are, and it will all be fine. We have a lot of people rooting for us, who want to see us grow our family, who love us and encourage us as we navigate our way through this process.

So thank you again, friends, for being there, wherever you are as you're reading my words. This big thing we're doing, we couldn't do it without you. Thank you.

Road to FET: First Hurdle Cleared!

This morning's appointment went well - no issues in my uterus or on my ovaries, so onward we go! I was definitely nervous going in to today's ultrasound, mainly because I knew it was a "make or break" type of thing and I really REALLY didn't want to have to wait another month or longer for some residual monster follicle to shrink back down to normal size. So hooray for moving forward with our plans!

My next appointment is not for another week (which is great, because driving 2 hours each way for a 20 minute appointment is getting old fast...) and this next one, on Tuesday, October 6, will be a blood draw and uterine lining check. They will check my hormone levels and check my uterine lining to see how well it's thickening up, thanks to my estrogen 2x a day. By then, it should be 7mm or thicker - if it's not, then the doctor will increase my estrogen dose (which I'm really hoping isn't necessary because I've been feeling pretty lousy on this current dosage) and I would then take that new dose for a few days before adding in progesterone shots for six more days, leading up to transfer. If all goes perfectly to plan and we don't have to increase my estrogen dose for those few added days, transfer will most likely be either Monday, October 12 or Tuesday, October 13. If we have to push it back due to a change in estrogen dosage, then we're looking at Wednesday, October 14 or Thursday, October 15. Just two more weeks!!

And now, a bit of not-so-grand news. We've hit our first snag, and it's fairly significant, at least to us. As you can see, we're not anticipating any weekend dates for transfer, so it is highly unlikely that J will be able to come with me, due to his teaching/work responsibilities. We knew this would be an obstacle if we had to continue with IVF after he started teaching, and it's one of the MANY reasons we were hoping our first attempt would take. But that wasn't meant to be. Even though we know we have to follow the timeline as it unfolds, and we know that what is best for the embryo is the top priority, J and I are pretty disappointed. I've been fighting back tears all day (I'm sure my whacked-out hormones are partially to blame). As I said in my previous post, the IVF process has all but stripped us of any intimacy or privacy, so the transfer procedure is as close to intimate as we get: last time, we held hands during the transfer, J took a photo and a short video of the embryo actually being placed in to my uterus, and then we were given a photo of the embryo, which we viewed together privately once the transfer was complete, behind the partially closed doors of one of the procedure "staging rooms." It was emotional and it was powerful. We held each other close and cried, full of hope and so happy. We left the clinic that day feeling bonded in a whole new way and it was so special. We couldn't stop smiling! We could have just gotten pregnant! But this time, J will be at work and I will be two hours away at the clinic experiencing it all without him. Imagine doing something so important without the most important person in your life by your side. It's a big bummer. {Thankfully, my boss is going to take me but she'll be in the waiting room - and yes, I fully realize how fortunate I am to have a boss who is so caring and awesome, but I think it goes without saying that it's not the same as if J were there}. This journey has its ups and downs. It's just the nature of the beast, so to speak. We'll adapt and adjust to the idea but today, I'm feeling pretty blue about it.

C'est la vie.

In the meantime, I am to continue on with my estrogen twice daily, my prenatal vitamin, and my baby aspirin. Next Tuesday, we'll find out how my insides are coming along and hopefully set a date for transfer! If my uterus is looking nice and plush by next Tuesday's appointment (fingers crossed!), in addition to the progesterone, I'll also add in the steroid pills and antibiotics that I take for about a week leading up to transfer day. I bought myself a pill organizer ($1 special!) that I can carry with me in my purse and I can't believe I didn't think of this before now! Right now, it's just housing my estrogen and prenatal vitamins but come Oct. 6, it will be quite handy dandy.

As always, thank you for reading and for following along this journey of ours - and for loving and supporting us through it! We appreciate you, more than you know. Until next Tuesday!

Please Let This Be Our Year

I guess I was feeling nostalgic (wait, what? Me, nostalgic? Never....) because I decided to read through my old blog earlier this week and stumbled upon some real gems, one of which was this video our good friend Allie sent us a few years ago (2011 I believe). Listening to it brought tears to my eyes, as again we find ourselves fervently hoping that these last few months of 2015 will make this year our year, THE year. 2011 wasn't meant to be but maybe, just maybe, 2015 is. And if so, then 2016 will be the year when our little miracle is ushered in to this world and that possibility fills us with such anticipation and hope and joy that it helps make what we're going through with IVF bearable.

My cycle arrived so today is cycle day 1, which means I started taking my estrogen today. My baseline ultrasound appointment has been scheduled for next Tuesday at 9am. I am nervous that they will find a lingering follicle from last month, which would mean we'd have to postpone the FET another month or until the follicle disappeared. That would obviously not be ideal and quite disappointing so please keep positive thoughts that all will be well and we can continue on with the protocol for this FET without issue! I will update on Tuesday, but in the meantime, please enjoy "This Will Be Our Year" by The Zombies :)

This Will Be Our Year - The Zombies

The warmth of your love
Is like the warmth of the sun
And this will be our year
Took a long time to come

Don't let go of my hand
Now darkness has gone
And this will be our year
Took a long time to come

And I won't forget
The way you held me up when I was down
And I won't forget the way you said
"Darling I love you"
You gave me faith to go on

Now we're there
And we've only just begun
This will be our year
Took a long time to come

The warmth of your smile
Smile for me, little one
And this will be our year
Took a long time to come

You don't have to worry
All your worried days are gone
This will be our year
Took a long time to come

And I won't forget
The way you held me up when I was down
And I won't forget the way you said
"Darling I love you"
You gave me faith to go on

Now we're there
And we've only just begun
And this will be our year
Took a long time to come

Yeah, we only just begun
Yeah, this will be our year
Took a long time to come

Just about a week away...

This next cycle is fast approaching! Come Monday, I'll take my final birth control pill and then await my period. Once that arrives, I'll start taking estrogen 2x a day on cycle day 1. Cycle day 5, I'll make a trip up to the clinic to have my baseline ultrasound done, which will check for residual follicles from last month, make sure my uterus is in good shape, and the blood work will check to make sure my hormones have returned to normal. If all looks good, then on cycle day 13, I'll make another trip up to the clinic for a uterine lining check. If my uterine lining is 7mm or thicker, J will begin administering the nightly progesterone shots in to my hip muscles. Approximately 5-7 days after we begin those shots, they'll do the embryo transfer. At this time, if all goes to plan, it is likely that the transfer would be around October 10, perhaps a day or so later. 10 days after that will be the beta to test for pregnancy.

So...transfer day. We are really hoping that transfer day ends up falling on a weekend so J can be there -- if transfer falls on a week day, he won't be able to come with me due to his work schedule...and I think it goes without saying, we'd be mighty disappointed. Since the intimacy aspect of baby-making is pretty much all but gone by this point in the game, going through the transfer procedure together is as close to intimate as we get with IVF. It's a deeply emotional experience, and it would be very disappointing if the timeline were to deny us that. But, we'll do what we have to do and my boss has offered to take me, should J be unable to go, as I take a sedative pre-transfer and am not allowed (or able) to drive myself home. But, even though I'd have a ride, I'd be alone in the procedure room, which would certainly be less than ideal -- for more reasons than one -- including the fact that I'd be loopy and hard pressed to ask important questions or remember the answers. We'll just have to hope for the best and no matter what, hope that the embryo defrosts well and that procedure itself goes off without a hitch!

I think it feels a bit surreal to us both that this next try is nearly upon us. This attempt feels very different compared to last month, in nearly every way. That being said, we are both feeling quite optimistic and I can only speak for myself, but I think one big reason is because my body has had some time to rest from all of the hell it went through for the fresh IVF cycle last month. Looking back at it, I can't quite believe I put my body through so much in such a short period of time. I mean, I was there, I know it happened but I really pushed the limits and I think having a month and a half to kind of breathe and get our heads "back in the game" can only be a positive thing. We have processed our sad feelings and disappointment from try #1, now we're ready to take on try #2 and we hope hope hope that this is IT for us. I've explained my feelings about try #2 vs try #1 in this way: the doctor has said that we have approximately a 56% chance of success, which is nearly the same odds as flipping a coin. If you've ever flipped a coin, you know that your odds of "winning" (ie having what you call as the coin is flipping through the air actually be what is lying face up in your palm when it lands) increases with every flip. We flipped our coin last month, called "pregnancy" when it was up in the air, but it landed face down, or "no pregnancy." So next month, we'll flip again and hopefully this time, the coin will land in our favor.

Stay tuned, more to come next week!

When Everything's a Struggle...

...everything feels immense. I can't tell you how exhausted I am, mentally, emotionally, from dealing with our infertility struggles over the years. I was exhausted physically as well in August from all of the IVF stuff we had to to do but mostly, I'm just absolutely worn out from every.little.thing that we have to go through just to get a shot at conceiving. Just for the opportunity to try. And it wears a person down.

For instance, we received an unexpected bill over the weekend for two ultrasounds done in town. Then we received another bill yesterday, this one for MUCH MORE money than the first, for my blood work done locally. We thought, "it's probably because the local gynecology office and the local lab at the hospital don't know we're enrolled in this loan program at our fertility clinic and all we'll have to do is forward the bills to the right person and it'll get taken care of." But I was still nervous. And it turns out I had every right to be.

After speaking with our "middle-man" at the company who is the mediator between the clinic and the bank who gave us the loan, and who actually produces the paperwork we signed and agreed to before starting the actual IVF process last month, it appears that the "local partners" we were told were okay for us to visit in lieu of having to drive 2 hours one way to our clinic up North, were actually not okay alternatives and the appointments were not covered by the plan...meaning the visits and charges incurred were additional and thus out of pocket. Apparently, our loan agreement lays it out but when I asked our doctor and nurse team about the possibility of a local, comparable partner who would be an acceptable alternative for me to visit for monitoring appointments on those days when it wasn't possible for me to make the drive, they gave me the okay to go to local places and never once said, "but be advised that should you choose to be seen locally, those visits will not be covered by your package plan through us." Not once. So yes, we misinterpreted something in our loan agreement, but they should have also, as the care providers, made sure we understood our options for treatment.

Long, LONG story short, I had several very unpleasant conversations today and ended up in tears. The bills amount to over $2,000 and we just don't have it. We can be put on a payment plan, and I know in the grand scheme of things, $2k isn't the end of the world but when you're paying an arm and a leg already each month to begin repaying a loan for much more (in addition to other monthly expenditures we pay every month like everyone else), every additional penny spent feels like it's tipping the scales.

Please tell me this will all be worth it. Because right now, it seems like chasing our dream of a family is one big money pit and not only is that very discouraging, but it's pretty depressing as well.

Everything just seems so big sometimes, with no end in sight. Is it our turn for a miracle? Sure seems like it should be. In the end, I know life isn't fair and s**t happens. I'm just tired and writing helps me make sense of things. We'll get our "happily ever after," I have to believe that. One day at a time...