Where We Stand

I want to thank you all for your kind words of comfort and for reaching out to us with so much love this week. This has been a trying time for us and we are grateful for the myriad of ways in which you have stood by our side as we continue to weather this storm. I apologize if I haven't gotten back to each of you individually - I'm just now, today, beginning to feel like I'm coming out of the fog. But know that your words were read and appreciated -- thank you, from the bottom of our hearts.

Monday was one of the crappiest days we've experienced in a very long time. The level of hopelessness hit a new low as we faced the reality that after three transfers and all four of our precious embryos, we were still unsuccessful in bringing about the miracle we have so longed and yearned for. And there is no clear reason as to why. We must start all over again, from follicle stimulation, to egg retrieval, to the "creation of embryos," to transfer. Thankfully, the loan package we have "purchased" allows us two full IVF cycles, from start to finish, and any subsequent frozen embryo transfers. We have completed one full IVF cycle and all frozen embryo transfers that resulted from that first full fresh cycle - Monday's negative beta marked the end of that first full round and thus the half-way mark, so to speak, as we have one full round remaining.

For several reasons, we have chosen to take a step back for a few months and resume treatment in March (at either the beginning or the end, depending on how we feel). My body needs time to rest and heal, especially since it will once again be put through the ringer. We need some time to emotionally process what we've endured thus far and get our heads and hearts back "in the game." From a practical standpoint, we need so save up money for the stimulation medication and I need to accrue more PTO hours, as I have nearly depleted my reserves with all of the appointments I have had in the past six months. Lastly, the weather will soon take a turn and driving up to the clinic and back by myself will no longer just be taxing - it will also be dangerous. January and February are our most "wintry" months and it would not be wise to be on the roads so frequently once the snow, sleet and ice make their appearance.

I had a chance to talk to our doctor yesterday and ask him some questions regarding what we can do differently this next time and there aren't many options. Our embryos were good quality, my uterine lining reached the desired thickness each cycle, and the transfer procedures went well each and every time. So what else is there to do? Genetic testing, which would test the chromosomal makeup of the embryos, is what the doctor suggested, as there might be something genetically wrong with our embryos (all of them? really?) but the procedure is $4,000-5,000 additional, out of pocket. So, that's completely out of the question. The other suggestion he had is something called Endometrial Receptivity Array (ERA), which is basically a biopsy of the endometrial lining. If my lining is found to not be receptive (meaning not likely to accept implantation of an embryo...which is obviously a major issue), they would adjust the transfer time either forward or backward to accommodate whatever the biopsy shows. Here is a description from an online article about the procedure: "A new test, the Endometrial Receptivity Array (ERA),...provides insight into how receptive a woman’s uterus will be at a particular stage in her menstrual cycle. Essentially, this will help fertility doctors to determine the best time to transfer an embryo in hopes that it will implant." This procedure can only be done during a frozen embryo transfer cycle, so we'd decide whether or not we'd want to try it only AFTER our initial fresh embryo transfer and of course, only if that first transfer was unsuccessful. This procedure is roughly $1,200, so we'd have to first see if we could somehow scrape together the funds before we committed to giving it a try.

Basically, it "should" be working...but it's not. Everything is happening as it should leading up to transfer, but it's not resulting in a pregnancy. So when this happens, after several failed cycles, the doctors must consider other reasons as to why it may not be working: chromosomal abnormalities, and uterine linings that are not receptive to implantation. Most unfortunately, we've found ourselves in the category of "unexplained infertility." But our doctor also said that he still feels we have a good chance of eventual success with IVF - and he assured me he would be honest and tell me otherwise if he felt we had no chance of conceiving a biological child in my own uterus. But we only have one full round left and "eventual" is very open-ended. The realist in me has a lot to say about the word "eventual" -- but the optimist in me, the bit that I'm training to become more and more vocal, keeps whispering, "Don't go there yet. You don't know what you don't know." So I'm trying hard to listen and remember that hope is still very much alive. I am certainly not thrilled about the prospect of putting my body through another full round, but we are committed to seeing this process through (both financially - we've already committed to paying back the full loan amount - and emotionally), and committed to the dream of our family. So if we must do this again, we must do this again. And then we'll know we did everything we could.

Are we frustrated? Yes. Beyond frustrated. Scared? Very. Angry? Uh huh. Heartbroken? Absolutely. This has been the least holly-jolly holiday season we've experienced since 2011, when my grandfather passed away, our family dog passed away, and we miscarried. The fact is, we are many things at present, but one thing we are NOT is beaten. It ain't over till it's over. And it ain't over. We hope and pray that 2016 will bring better days and happier times, and we are so grateful for each of you. May 2016 bless you and your families - and may the coming year be filled with joy, laughter, a minimal amount of hardship, and love in abundance.

We wish you a Merry Christmas ~ Thank you for everything <3

Negative

I've been sitting here, staring at the cursor, trying to figure out what to say and how to say it. Some eloquent descriptor of our pain and devastation. But I am at such a loss. The closest word to describe how we feel is bereft - like someone has died. And in essence, they have. We are mourning the loss of our four beautiful embryos - four beautiful souls who, for reasons unknown to us, were not meant to be. We are mourning what might have been. And it hurts, more than I can say or try to explain. But maybe some things are better left unsaid.

Thank you for loving and supporting us through this season of our lives.

Monday is Beta Day

I think it goes without saying that Monday's outcome carries a LOT of weight - more so than in past months, which seems impossible, and yet it's the truth. If the news isn't good, it will be doubly devastating on multiple fronts. This is our third try. Each time is harder than the last. Since the change in transfer plan meant they put in two embryos instead of just one, it would be double the loss - but it would also mean that we're out of frozen embryos so we'd be tasked with starting all over again from square one with a fresh IVF cycle. Compounding it all is the fact that it's the holidays, which is hard enough on its own for couples on this journey, even when you're not actively trying but especially when you are. And especially when you're dealing with heartbreak. So we're hoping and praying and hoping some more for good news. We desperately want and need good news. Please oh please, let it be good news!!

It's no secret that this is my favorite time of year but if I'm being honest, it's been a struggle. I feel a bit like I'm sleep-walking my way through the holidays this year, which is definitely not the norm for me. And quite frankly, it makes me sad. I look forward to the holidays literally as December 25th is coming to a close. We sit in front of the tree, lights off, reveling in the beauty of a room lit solely by Christmas tree glow, and I feel so sad because just like that, it's over and we have to wait a whole year for it to come around again. Sometimes, I even tear up at the thought. We sit there and we think, maybe next year will be the year we'll get to share the season with our child. Maybe, just maybe. And there is such hope. But Thanksgiving was tough, the toughest for me since the one following our miscarriage. I cried for no reason other than I felt suddenly overcome with immense fear - I told J that I just can't imagine this attempt not working; I cannot fathom entering in to yet another new year without knowing if it will be THE YEAR we welcome a child in to our family. February 2016 will mark year 8 of hoping, wishing, trying for a child. We were 24 years old when this all began. Yes, we took a year "off" in 2010 following my heart surgery, and then we took time away from active family building June 2012 - December 2013. But not for one day during those times away from this journey did we forget our yearning for a child. It still hurt, and our hearts still ached for our loss in 2011, as well as for the unknown path that lie ahead.

There is a Coldplay lyric from their song The Scientist that has really resonated with me lately and it is, "Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard." Because of family history, we didn't expect to build our family without issue - but never in our wildest dreams (nightmares?) did we expect it to take this long nor be this challenging, in many more ways than one. And yet... Well, it is what it is. And that's all that it is.

Monday. December 7. Beta day. Despite how it sounds, we do have hope. Quite a bit, actually. But, admittedly, I feel like I'm in defensive mode - guarding my heart with cautious optimism. (And, I haven't "checked in" since transfer day, so I guess I have a lot to say!) It's strange, this simultaneous wanting to know but not really wanting to know. I feel like my body has a secret it's not quite ready to tell. So in the meantime, we hope and we send positive juju out into the universe and we decorate the house and listen to Christmas music. We plan a holiday party, even though we're struggling to find merriment. We strive to remember how very blessed we are, even though we find ourselves in this place of unfulfilled and unrealized dreams. Because despite it all, we are immensely blessed in other, important ways. We laugh and we hold each other tight - because Monday will come whether or not we're ready.

Please let it be good news. Please.

Transfer day - with an unexpected twist

Please bear with me, this one takes a bit of time to explain...

On our drive up to the clinic this morning, my phone rang and we got the news from the embryology lab that the embryo they had defrosted had survived the thaw but wasn't looking as good as they had hoped. There were areas of fragmenting and dark spots that they were not pleased with. They were going to put it in the incubator in this high protein fluid to see if it would finish expanding and perhaps improve in an hour's time. However, it was at that point that we were told that it may become necessary to move on to our last embryo - and transfer them both. We were pretty stunned, as this was not in our initial "game plan" but decided to wait it out and see what happened. 

Just as my acupuncture appointment was coming to an end, the door opens and J walks in with the news that the lab had called again and they were officially downgrading our first thawed embryo to a C grade (from a BB) and labeling it as "poor quality." Definitely not good news. All three of the embryologists in the lab as well as our doctor were in agreement that it would be in our best interest (and better odds) to defrost the last remaining embryo, hope its quality is better, and then transfer both for maximum chance of success. We took a few minutes to deliberate and agreed with their professional assessment. So, instead of transferring just our Frosted Flake, we also transferred its "sibling" which my mom has nicknamed Snowball :) Snowball survived the thaw beautifully, has begun to hatch (which is a good sign, apparently), retained its BB grading, and is labeled as "fair" which (thankfully) is what they consider normal -- their standards are incredibly high so 'good' is only used to describe AA embryos, which occur less than 5% of the time. They assured me that Snowball looks just like they would hope and were very pleased. Both the embryology team and our doctor think that the two combined give us a good shot at success - my lining looked great and the transfer went off without a hitch. 

Despite an emotional morning with an unexpected turn of events, we are feeling optimistic and, quite honestly, relieved to be trying something different this cycle. Maybe, just maybe, this will be the one. The only scary things are that this is IT for these embryos - if neither of these two implant, we will have to start all over again, egg retrieval and all. And, if neither implant, it will be doubly heartbreaking. Additionally, there is an increased chance of twins when you transfer two, but it is unlikely to the poor quality of the first thawed embryo. But, you never know. If that is what is meant to be, then we will consider ourselves doubly blessed and we will figure it out. But let's not get ahead of ourselves. Truthfully, we are just SO THANKFUL to have renewed optimism, and hope with everything in us that {at least} one of the two embryos currently floating around my uterus will decide to stick around and join our family next year. TWO. There are TWO in there, right this very minute. Wow. What a Thanksgiving surprise! And now we just have to hope and pray for our holiday season miracle!

Without further ado, the photos:

A little silliness 

Us with our precious embies:
Frosted Flake, bottom left; Snowball, top right

Please keep the four of us in your thoughts and prayers over the next 13 days. We appreciate all the positivity and good juju you can spare! We love you all -- thank you to the moon and back for your continued love and support <3 

Triple T: Tuesday's Transfer Time

I almost thought the clinic had forgotten us but they finally called today just before 4pm. We're all set for Tuesday! Transfer time will be 11am EST. Acupuncture appointment will most likely be before, at around 9:15am.

We are very much looking forward to meeting our little Frosted Flake and can't wait to share a photo with you!

Until Tuesday....

Full Steam Ahead

Despite driving in horrible weather, my appointment yesterday went great and I am relieved to finally have good news to share! My uterine lining has reached its goal of 8 mm or more (it was 8.12 mm, to be exact) so we are ready to rock-n-roll! Our FET will be on Tuesday, November 24. Transfer time will be assigned this coming Sunday.

We're getting excited! Since J has Thanksgiving break next week, he will be able to go with me (hooray!!) and because of the timing of this FET, I will have six full days off in a row: taking two days off of work for the transfer (not thrilled about taking more PTO, but whatever) plus Thanksgiving and Black Friday are campus-wide holidays so I get those two days off automatically as paid holidays. And, those four days lead up to a weekend so there you go! We have friends staying with us for a few days beginning the evening of the 25th so all in all, the timing has worked out okay, thank goodness. I will be ready to cook up a storm come Thursday!

My ultrasound tech, Brittany, is so sweet and I was talking to her about how frustrated I've been with this whole cycle. She listened as she worked and then spoke these lovely words of wisdom, which will help carry me through the next few weeks: "I say, embrace the differences! Your prior two cycles may have been "easy" in comparison but they didn't give us the results we were hoping for, so who knows, maybe there's a reason." Wise words, Brittany, wise words indeed.

Obviously, she's not psychic. She doesn't know any more than we do how this cycle will turn out. No one does. This cycle could end up like the last two, or it could be THE ONE. We just don't know and we won't know until beta day (which, incidentally, will be December 7). All we can do is follow the doctor's orders and continue to hope for the best. And hold on to unexpected bits of positivity that have the power to alter our perspective, such as "embrace the differences." I can assure you this will become our new mantra.

We start progesterone shots tonight and the steroid and antibiotic regimen begins tomorrow. Here we go!

Time to change it up

Yes, friends, it's time to change it up. My mood, I mean. It's time to let the frustration and discouragement go and replace those nasty negative emotions with positive ones. It is the season of thanks, after all...

Gratitude that we get to try again, that we have two more beautiful embies on ice waiting for us, one of which could very well be - if it's our turn for a miracle - our long-awaited and desperately wished for "take-home baby."

Gratitude for the fact that my body is handling this the very best way it knows how - yes, my lining has been slow to grow but it's still growing. I'm asking so much of my body right now and it's doing what it can to oblige, taking one for the team time and again, with only the smallest of protests. And my heart - my heart hasn't wigged out on me once through this entire process and I can't tell you how thankful I am that it's holding steady and allowing us to continue plugging along towards our dream. Without its cooperation, this journey could very well have ended before we'd even begun.

Gratitude for a wonderful husband who loves me as I am, supports me in every way that I need, and reminds me when I am feeling worn down and hopeless that I am not broken, that we are in this together, that he believes in our family, and is proud of me for staying strong in the face of adversity, when, after so many years, it would have been far easier to wave our little white flag in defeat. I am proud of me and of us, too, and so very thankful that he is my partner in this life. J, you truly are the tops.

I am thankful for each of YOU, for supporting us through this experience, for showing us so much kindness and empathy, for offering words of encouragement, for commiserating in our sadness and disbelief, for sharing in our dream of parenthood and hoping right alongside us that one day, this dream of ours will finally be realized. We are so appreciative because, well, we get by with a {lot of help} from our friends and family. We couldn't do it without you. Your support and love mean the world to us and help us feel less alone, less isolated, and far more optimistic. Thank you.

Yes, this journey is difficult. It comes with many challenges and risks, but in the end, we made the choice to embark on this particular path, so will hold on to each other, take the plunge and continue to hope for the best. And not lose sight of our blessings along the way. Easier said than done at times, but well worth the effort because life goes on whether or not we get what we wish for and I don't want to blink and miss it.

Best Laid Plans Continued...

Nothing about this road is easy. That's a given. So I guess it shouldn't be *too* surprising that after two fairly "straight-forward" cycles, we have been graced with a frustrating one.

My ultrasound appointment this morning showed growth in the endometrial (uterine) lining but unfortunately, it's not enough. On Thursday, my lining was 6.1 mm and today, after adding more estrogen in the form of a patch that is stuck onto my stomach (and makes me nauseous), it is at 7.1 mm. To be considered "adequate," it needs to be between 7.5 and 8 mm. Which it is not. And, we don't want "acceptable," we want "optimal" or "great" or some other descriptor that would instill some level of confidence. So, I need to go back - again - on Wednesday for another recheck before they can decide whether or not I'll be ready for transfer on Monday, November 23. If not, at that point, they'll probably either add more estrogen (slap on another patch) and/or push out the transfer date.

We are frustrated and admittedly discouraged. I am missing so much work and am just so thankful my boss is as understanding and caring as she is - but I'm also tired and feeling glum about the whole situation.

As much as I adore Thanksgiving and especially Christmas, this time of year is extra hard for infertile folks. I just hope we have an extra special reason to celebrate this holiday season.

Third time's the charm, third time's the charm, third time's the charm...

The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men...

 ...often go {slightly} awry. Our FET will be pushed back a few days - from next Thursday, November 19, to either Monday or Tuesday of Thanksgiving week. Additionally, there is a *slight* possibility that transfer could be pushed out even further. Here's why:

I had my uterine lining check early this morning (followed by acupuncture) and despite the fact that I've been taking estrogen 3x a day (which is one pill MORE than I was taking at first last time), my uterine lining is not up to snuff. So, our doctor and nurse conferred and decided that adding an estrogen patch (in addition to my oral pills) would be the best plan of attack: I'll stick it to my upper abdomen and the estrogen will be absorbed through my skin. Bottom line: my lining needs a few more days to reach optimum thickness, otherwise there's no point in putting an embryo in there - without a cozy home to potentially nestle in to, it would be an out and out waste to do the transfer. Which is not what anybody wants. So, we will change up the meds and they will re-check me this Sunday for signs of progress. If things look like they're back on track, transfer will be either 11/23 or 11/24. However, if Sunday's ultrasound shows that my lining has not responded appropriately, more medication adjustments will need to be made, which will then push transfer out a few days further (ie post-Thanksgiving Day). Never mind that we're hosting friends from Memphis for Thanksgiving for four days beginning Wednesday evening, November 25th. Or, that we're hosting a holiday party at our house on December 6th (which we thought would be post-beta and something fun to help keep us occupied should we get bad news again, but which now could very well BE beta day, if transfer is on Monday, November 23.) Best laid plans, I tell ya. Best laid plans.

So why isn't my lining where it needs to be? Well, there are a few possible answers to that question, the first being that my body just went through all of this a few weeks ago and going directly in to another try without a break can sometimes mean that the body is slow to respond. Basically, it's tired. And we need to wake it back up. The second explanation could be that taking estrogen orally can sometimes affect the potency as it goes through your digestive tract. And lastly, my body may be developing a tolerance to it, so I may need higher and higher dosages the longer we're on this road in order for it to have the desired affect. It all makes sense, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.

An aside: I haven't felt well for the past week or so. I've been the kind of tired where your bones ache and your eye sockets feel like they're hanging down to your cheekbones. I've felt like I've been on the verge of getting either a cold or the stomach flu, depending on the day. On Sunday, it was both. And last night, I completely wigged out over something really trivial - hello, hormone overload. And now my lining isn't cooperating and today, the phlebotomist could locate my veins, but couldn't tap them - in her words, "it's like they've dried up!" In short, it feels a bit like my body is launching a revolt in protest. So much medication and emotional upheaval compressed in to a short period of time. Well guess what. I've got approximately 10 days to get my body on board with this transfer and I've got my game face on.

I can do this. This process won't win; WE will win. Third times a charm.

FET #2 is a go

Well, folks, we're off!

My cycle arrived on Saturday (a very happy Halloween to me) so today is cycle day 3. I spoke with my nurse this morning and we are a GO for our next embryo transfer! Blessedly, I do not have to go in for a baseline appointment this time (hooray for one less drive up North!), as there was no stimulation medication taken last cycle, so there should be no reason to believe that my insides are anything but ship shape and ready to receive our little Frosted Flake {get it? 'Frosted' because it's a frozen embie and 'Flake' as a shortened version of Snowflake :) We were sitting around last night talking about this upcoming transfer and I said to J, "We've had Embie and Snowflake. What are we gonna call the next one, Frosted Flake?" It made us smile and since coming up with a cute little nickname is getting more challenging as we go along, Frosted Flake it is!} 

My lining check appointment will be on cycle day 13, Thursday, November 12. Until then, I will take my estrogen 3x a day plus my prenatal vitamin and nightly baby aspirin. On the 12th, if all looks as it should (ie lining is over 7 mm thick), I'll add in my progesterone shots, followed by the regimen of steroids and antibiotics leading up to transfer day, which will most likely be either November 19 or 20. J is really hoping to go with me this time so fingers crossed that he can figure something out at work to get his classes covered!

Last night, we threw caution to the wind (ha!) and enjoyed a glass of wine as we toasted to transfer #3. We are so very hopeful that this next attempt will yield good news, the news we so yearn to hear and celebrate. We will continue to work on bolstering our optimism and positivity as we embark upon this third try and we invite you to join us. Our little embryo deserves all the hope and love we can give it -- after all, if it's our turn for a miracle, that little embie could very well be born in to this world next year and what a wonderful thought that is. We have to keep trying. Our baby is still out there.

We Soldier On

Thank you all for your concern and for the love you showed J and me in wake of the news that our FET didn't take. I'm sorry I haven't checked in until now - I've just needed a bit of time to take a step back in order to wrap my head around things.

The call came just around 2:40 pm on Monday. I was so anxious I had to leave the house. Pacing up and down the halls and doing what my family calls crop circles in the larger rooms. I decided to take a walk and take in our neighborhood's changing autumn scenery to help pass the time. I was just heading back when my cellphone rang and as soon as I heard Dr. C's voice, I knew it was all over. The doctor calls with bad news and the nurses call with beta numbers. He just said how very sorry he was that it hadn't worked, that there was (again) nothing that he would suggest we do differently next time, and that he was still optimistic that this would eventually work for us. The only good thing that I have to report is that we can jump right in with another attempt right away, as opposed to waiting a month. We had to wait a month with this most recent transfer because they were still trying to suppress my ovaries and hormone production from the August egg retrieval. But this time, there is nothing to suppress so we can just go "full steam ahead." And, we have decided to do just that because we would very much like to get one last try in before the end of the year. But, should this next attempt also prove unsuccessful, we would then take December "off" and resume treatments sometime after the first of the year with our last remaining frozen embryo.

So, I am currently awaiting my cycle. I stopped taking all medications on Monday after the doctor called and it should arrive in the next day or so (hopefully). Once it does, then I start taking the estrogen again, 3x a day, get my baseline ultrasound done somewhere around cycle day 5, lining check around cycle day 13, with transfer falling sometime in the middle of November. By December 1, we should know whether it worked or not.

As I said in my last post, after awhile, there just isn't much left to say about how we're feeling. The news hit us, hard. It's a shame that I've come to almost expect bad news over good, but when that's all you've gotten (when it comes to this topic) over the span of nearly 6 years, I think that over time, it's become a coping mechanism of mine to expect the worst while hoping - desperately - for the best. I'm a realist. I wish I were an optimist but that's just not me. I'm trying to alter my perspective, but it's definitely a challenge. I understand the risks, I understand the odds, and I'm coming to understand the science behind all of this. It feels a bit like learning a whole new language and I hate that I'm becoming fluent in it. When it comes down to it, we're doing all that we can, and then some. And yet, it's still not working. Why? We don't know. The reality is, it all depends on our embryos. Either they take, or they don't. It's as simple (and yet as complicated and unfair and awful) as that.

So we will soldier on. Because we have two embies on ice and we can't give up on them. They deserve all of our focus, optimism, and hope. In the weeks between now and transfer day, it will be our mission to create whatever positivity we can in order to give that next embryo the best possible chance. And I invite you to join us. Yes, I'm exhausted. Truly, I am, in every way a person can be. Yes, I'm sad and disappointed and angry and frustrated and flummoxed and crestfallen that this journey has turned out this way. But I'm also pretty damn stubborn, and I'm determined to win this war we've been waging against infertility so infertility best be ready for me. We're not done fighting, not by a long shot.

We're going to get there, and we're going to get there together. Thank you for being our people. xoxo

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The Weight of Air

I never knew emptiness could weigh so much, she said. I can barely hold it. So I sat beside her & reached for her hand & we held it together. - Brian Andreas

Goodbye, Snowflake

After awhile, you run out of things to say to adequately describe your sadness, disappointment and pain. After awhile, there are no more words.

Goodbye, sweet Snowflake. We so yearned to know you, to love you. There is an emptiness in our hearts that aches with every beat. 

Beta day: the sequel

I woke up feeling anxious and full of doubt. Up until today, I've been doing pretty well, so I'll chalk it up to nerves. And really, who could blame me? At one point, I found myself just wandering aimlessly around the house. I didn't even realize I was doing it until I noticed I was wringing my hands and the dog was hot on my heels, panting heavily in my wake. Tomorrow. Tomorrow is just a sleep away.

{An aside: A friend announced her pregnancy on Facebook yesterday after being married three months. A honeymoon baby. I was so hoping I could somehow manage to escape a pregnancy announcement during this waiting period but alas, it was not meant to be. After a few hours, I mustered the strength to wish them well because after all, it's not their fault our situation has turned out the way it has. It's not anyone's fault. But regardless, as I was typing the words, it took all I had not to cry.}

The good news: Up until today (which again, we're chalking up to nerves) I don't feel nearly as "down" about this beta day as I was last time. Which doesn't mean anything except that I'm thankful to not be feeling so blue and doom and gloom walking in to the appointment. Not that I could help it, but feeling that way made a difficult situation even more so. So hooray for hope!

The "bad" news: I have really no idea what tomorrow's result will be. As I did last time, I opted not to test with pee sticks at home. Regardless of the result (had I taken an at-home test), the clinic would still require me to go in on Monday anyway, just to be 100% certain, and I couldn't bear having to potentially deal with bad emotions for days longer than necessary. Some of you have asked if I have had any symptoms, but honestly, anything I've felt could be explained away by the hormone shot and pills. So, we wait.

You'd think we'd be used to this by now, this period of waiting. But like so much of this journey, the longer you're on it, the harder it gets. These waiting periods are infinitely more challenging now because not only are we more emotionally invested by this point, but the weeks leading up to this all or nothing day is all the more intense because the process itself has been so involved. And let's not forget the financial aspect. We are in deep. So, the stakes have most definitely been raised, in all ways. But you guys know this already. This is not new news. Truthfully, I'm a nervous wreck. Tomorrow is a big day. Our little snowflake is either continuing to grow and thrive, or we'll get the news that we dread: we'll need to try again.

It is remarkable that we find ourselves on this path so many years later, but what's even more remarkable is that even though this road has been so tough and so unpredictable, we still haven't given up hope. We are still here because we still believe in our family. We are resilient. We believe that this will all be worth it. We believe that one day, we will get good news, the BEST news, and that day has got to be fast approaching. We are past due for our miracle, I'd say. And that is what I am holding on to as I think about tomorrow's appointment. One day, we will beat the odds and welcome a child in to our lives and that portion of our story could very well begin tomorrow. And how amazing is that?? Our lives could change -- for the better! -- in one phone call.

So. My appointment is at 9:20 a.m. (so, 6:20 a.m. West coast time). We certainly welcome your good thoughts, positive juju, prayers, etc going in to (and through!) tomorrow. I will update you all sometime tomorrow evening, once Jason and I have had some time to process the news, whatever it may be. We decided that it would be best for me to take the day off instead of running the risk of grieving publicly at work, as I did last time. Regardless of the outcome, it will be nice to be able to feel what I feel and not have to censor it for my surroundings. And my boss, being the amazing lady she is, agreed wholeheartedly and encouraged me to take the day. So I did!

Thank you for your continued love and support -- we couldn't do this without you on our "team"!!

******************************

Dear snowflake, 

We love you already, more than you could ever imagine. We are enamored by the mere possibility of you. Please stay. Please allow us to call you "ours", to give you a name, to raise you and love you. Forever and always. Oh the memories we would make. Please allow us to be your mommy and daddy. It would be our honor and such an immense privilege. 

Much love, little one <3

Meet Our Snowflake

Because sometimes, a picture (or 2) is worth a thousand words.

We are smitten!! We welcome your good thoughts and prayers as we enter in to the loooong 13 day wait until beta day on October 26.

Oh snowflake. Won't you do us the honor of allowing us to be your parents? We love you, so so much already <3

Road to FET: Our Assigned Embryo Transfer Time for Tomorrow

Haven't we been at this place before? The answer is yes, yes we have. But this time, it's going to be different. This time, it's going to work. We have to believe that, and so, we do. Our time for a miracle has come, don't you think??

J drawing up the 1.5 ml of progesterone in oil for my nightly hip shot

My pill regimen from the last four days. Thank goodness for my pill organizer!

It's crazy to think that we're just mere hours away from our next (and hopefully last!) transfer. I am grateful that at least thus far, other than mild side effects (bloating, grogginess, a slight burny empty pit feeling in my stomach if I don't stay full, and pretty decent hip soreness from the shots), I seem to be handling the meds okay. Although if last time is any indication, the shots will progressively get more painful and I'll have very vivid dreams (thanks, progesterone!). But, no more steroids or antibiotics after today - just the estrogen, progesterone, baby aspirin and prenatals will continue up until (and hopefully THROUGH) beta day on October 26.

So let's talk transfer! My appointment is at 12 pm tomorrow but I will need to be there by 11:30 am to get checked in, drink some water to fill up my bladder (helps them place the embryo), and take my prescribed Valium. My acupuncture session will be before transfer this time, so my boss and I will need to arrive for that appointment by 10:15 am, which puts us on the road and headed up North no later than 8:15 am.

We're definitely excited!! J has said a few times in the last few days how much he wishes he could be with me and how sad he is about not being there, so if you wouldn't mind, please keep him extra cozy in your thoughts tomorrow as well. I am going to ask that the picture of our embryo be placed in an envelope so I can wait to view it with J once he gets home from work tomorrow and that idea seemed to perk him up. If they can't find an envelope at the surgical center, I'll place it directly into my purse without looking at it. It's important to him, so I will do my best to make it happen.

The post-transfer protocol this time is the same as it was last time. Obviously, I won't be at work tomorrow, but it's also recommended that I take off the day after transfer as well. Complete bed rest (or, couch rest) is advised for transfer day, with very minimal activity the day after. Although I tried to be "good" last time, I wasn't as good as I could have been (remaining down and flat is more challenging than you'd think when you're not feeling ill and/or not in pain...) so tomorrow is truly mostly going to be spent lying down. Then, as of Thursday, I am encouraged to return to my normal routine, with a few limitations - just walking for exercise, no heavy lifting (nothing over 20 pounds), and various other little no-nos. Additionally, I will be doing the following:

- eating 2 Brazil nuts a day starting today and through the remainder of the week (rumored to help with implantation)
- eating only warm foods/meals and drinking only room temperature water or hot decaf tea (you're encouraged to think of your uterus/core as a little incubator, so cold drinks and foods are not advised)
- soaking my feet in warm water 10-20 minutes each night before bed (Chinese medicine tip for helping keep your uterine cavity warm - I've already been doing this for over a week now)
- wearing fuzzy socks on my feet at all times (except for when I shower of course), including when I sleep (again, to aid in keeping my little incubator system nice and comfy cozy)
- one more acupuncture session next week
- getting my recommended 7-9 hours of sleep per night
- daily meditation/positive visualization of the embryo snuggling into my womb and growing strong

Who really knows if any of this stuff helps, but I figure there's no harm in it, either!

*******************

UPDATE! I just got a call from the lab at the clinic. I guess they like to check in with patients on the day before an FET to let us know their process and to answer any questions. And of course, I had questions. I ALWAYS have questions. Their current defrost success rate is a whopping 95% so there's only a 5% chance that our little snowflake won't survive the thaw - which is amazing. But, she also said that because we're only transferring one embryo, they will be holding it to higher standards and scrutinizing it extra carefully, as they want to give it the best odds of implantation and beyond. She also said that it's unlikely that the grade of the embryo should diminish - right now, all three are BBs. (For more info on embryo grading, visit this link here. It is uncommon for embryos to be graded AA or AB, as those are pretty nearly perfect -- I asked because once an A student, always an A student...haha) One was frozen on day 5 (which she said they would likely choose to defrost first) and the other two were frozen on day 6. All good things! I was able to relay our wishes regarding the picture of our snowflake, so that was a bonus! They will call me either way tomorrow morning to let me know how the embryo thawed and if they need to move on to another one, should the first have not thawed to their liking.

I will post an update tomorrow evening once I'm home and have rested up a bit. Thank you all in advance for your positive thoughts, prayers, vibes, encouragement and love. We can't WAIT to lay eyes on our little snowflake <3 Until tomorrow...

This image stopped me in my tracks.
This is hope. This is motivation to keep on keepin' on down this road. This is love.
Full story here.
Sher Institute's photo posted to Facebook.

Road to FET: Second Hurdle Cleared!

As my beloved grandpa Harry used to say, "how do" to you all on this fine Tuesday!

I'm in a good mood today. Despite the 3.5 hours spent in the car this morning and despite the fact that my estrogen dosage was increased (more on that in a minute), I'm in a good mood. My appointment this morning went well - blood work was painless (I downed water 30 minutes before my appointment and it definitely helped plump up my veins!), my uterine lining measured at 7.7 mm (they wanted to see something above 7mm), the nurse and I went over my medication calendar for the next few weeks, and I was assigned a transfer date! Let's break it down:

Blood work - they were measuring my progesterone level to make sure I hadn't ovulated on my own. I don't normally, but still, they had to make sure because if I had for some reason, the FET would be cancelled. Good news: I didn't and thus, the FET is still very much ON. 

Uterine lining - they wanted to see something above 7mm and they got it with 7.7mm. When I was at my appointment, my nurse told me that 7.7 mm was fine and my lining looked "nice and plush." So, initially, no estrogen dosage increase. However, by the time I got back to Bloomington, that consensus had changed. The doctor on call had reviewed my ultrasound and while my lining was technically within okay limits, she wanted to see it a bit plusher - in other words, she'd like to see 'fine' get to 'exceptional.' So, instead of 2x a day, I will be taking my estrogen 3x. While this isn't good news for me physically (hello night sweats, nausea, headaches, and a chance of developing heart palpitations), if it helps my uterine lining get from 'fine' to 'great', I'm in. We want the best possible home for our little frosty (frosty = frozen embryo).{By the way, I think I'd like to refer to this embryo as our little snowflake. Babies born from frozen embryos are often referred to as snowflake babies, but also, because I love Christmas and because if we get pregnant this go-around, we'd find out the gender sometime this winter...so frosty = frozen embryo = snowflake}. The visualization of this makes me happy and happy is a good emotion to hold on to.

Medication calendar - As I said before, I'm to increase my estrogen dose to 3x a day starting today, and that will continue up until beta day (which will be October 26!) and if I'm pregnant, then I'll continue taking that dosage for another full month/month and a half. Progesterone shots will begin this Thursday and the dosage of that is also increased from last time (1ml to 1.5ml every night). The shots will continue up until beta day and if I'm pregnant, will continue another month/month and a half. Steroids and antibiotics begin this Friday and I take those 2x a day for four days, leading up to transfer.

Transfer date!! - Our transfer date is next Tuesday, October 13th. My boss will be taking me and I will have an acupuncture appointment right before transfer. The clinic will call us on Sunday to give us our transfer time, which I will share on Monday with you all.

******************

It's definitely feeling more real now and I'm getting excited! Just have to keep thinking positively! The clinic's defrost success rate is in the 90% range so they are confident all will go well with the thawing process. Should something go awry, there is a contingency plan in place, but we're not concerned and are very much looking forward to getting the photo of our little snowflake to take home and cherish. One day at a time...

Thank you in advance for your continued love, support, and encouragement as we navigate this leg of our journey!

Processing

Thank you, everyone, for your thoughtful and loving responses to my post yesterday. You really have no idea how much your support means to us. When I'm having a down day, reading your words of encouragement truly lifts my spirits.

In response to one of those thoughtful emails from a dear friend, and after processing it for a day, I came to the conclusion that for me, it's not "just" that J can't be there with me on transfer day. Obviously, that's most of it, but also, it's that no one will be there. It's that we no longer live nearby to those closest to us. It's that I'll be experiencing this big thing all by my lonesome.

Years ago, when we first ventured down the path to building our family, we felt alienated. It was and is an incredibly lonely feeling to want children but not be able to have them. To watch others around you add to their families but be unable to add to your own. And, it hasn't gotten any easier as the years have passed. True, we've gotten better at handling it, we've gotten better at processing our emotions and being able to feel real joy for others while simultaneously juggling a feeling of sadness for our own situation. But it still hurts, and it's still a lonely place to be - especially as the years pass by and the number of our friends with children continues to steadily eclipse those without...and we continue to find ourselves on the "without" side.

Additionally, when we first moved here from CA, I experienced a real period of loneliness. J was so busy with school during the week and with marching band responsibilities on the weekends and it took me a very long time to make friends. Making friends as an adult is SO MUCH HARDER than making friends as a kid or when you're still in school. I've always made friends easily so this was a whole new experience for me. I didn't have any outlet to make friends my own age, with similar circumstances. Three years later, I'm a bit embarrassed to admit that I don't yet have a friend group here. I have one friend whom I see on occasion, and J and I share a few friends but again, it's not a regular "friendly" situation. I did have a friend who moved here for the Jacobs School (like us) who over the course of two years became a good friend, but she moved away this year. We do, however, have new neighbors who seem like promising friend "candidates" - in fact, we're having dinner with them next week! So that's encouraging.

I have discovered over the course of our time here, that as a married woman in my early 30s, I am an enigma of sorts - I have trouble fitting in with the social groups that are around me. Many married women my age have kids (especially here in the Midwest). Yet, I don't have children, so there are no play dates where I'd interact with other young women and potentially make a friend. No preschool or daycare, where I'd come in to contact with other young women like myself. I work in a very small department and I'm the youngest one by far - everyone else is my parent's ages or older (with the exception of one, but she and I are very different people). And we live in a college town, so there are LOTS of young women, but they're undergrads...and I'm not. Or they're in grad school but not married, or newly married but super involved and too busy to make new "outsider" friends (this has truly been my experience - it's not great). All in all, it's been challenging time friendship wise.

{Bear with me, I'm circling back...}

So, back to the transfer. Learning that J could not accompany me to the transfer was hard but it was also hard to realize that I don't have anyone here I'd feel comfortable having along with me in his place...and that I had to ask my boss to take me instead. Here we are, trying so desperately to grow our family, and the most important person in my life can't be there by my side, as much as he and I both wish he could be. In short, the feelings of loneliness and "other" that I've been fighting for years were reinforced yesterday. I just flat out felt very alone all of a sudden, and it was hard to explain at the time. I'm glad I can now say that I understand my feelings, though, because now that I understand why I was feeling a certain way, I can work my way through them and put them in their place. It's no one's fault. It's just the way it is! Circumstances are what they are, and it will all be fine. We have a lot of people rooting for us, who want to see us grow our family, who love us and encourage us as we navigate our way through this process.

So thank you again, friends, for being there, wherever you are as you're reading my words. This big thing we're doing, we couldn't do it without you. Thank you.

Road to FET: First Hurdle Cleared!

This morning's appointment went well - no issues in my uterus or on my ovaries, so onward we go! I was definitely nervous going in to today's ultrasound, mainly because I knew it was a "make or break" type of thing and I really REALLY didn't want to have to wait another month or longer for some residual monster follicle to shrink back down to normal size. So hooray for moving forward with our plans!

My next appointment is not for another week (which is great, because driving 2 hours each way for a 20 minute appointment is getting old fast...) and this next one, on Tuesday, October 6, will be a blood draw and uterine lining check. They will check my hormone levels and check my uterine lining to see how well it's thickening up, thanks to my estrogen 2x a day. By then, it should be 7mm or thicker - if it's not, then the doctor will increase my estrogen dose (which I'm really hoping isn't necessary because I've been feeling pretty lousy on this current dosage) and I would then take that new dose for a few days before adding in progesterone shots for six more days, leading up to transfer. If all goes perfectly to plan and we don't have to increase my estrogen dose for those few added days, transfer will most likely be either Monday, October 12 or Tuesday, October 13. If we have to push it back due to a change in estrogen dosage, then we're looking at Wednesday, October 14 or Thursday, October 15. Just two more weeks!!

And now, a bit of not-so-grand news. We've hit our first snag, and it's fairly significant, at least to us. As you can see, we're not anticipating any weekend dates for transfer, so it is highly unlikely that J will be able to come with me, due to his teaching/work responsibilities. We knew this would be an obstacle if we had to continue with IVF after he started teaching, and it's one of the MANY reasons we were hoping our first attempt would take. But that wasn't meant to be. Even though we know we have to follow the timeline as it unfolds, and we know that what is best for the embryo is the top priority, J and I are pretty disappointed. I've been fighting back tears all day (I'm sure my whacked-out hormones are partially to blame). As I said in my previous post, the IVF process has all but stripped us of any intimacy or privacy, so the transfer procedure is as close to intimate as we get: last time, we held hands during the transfer, J took a photo and a short video of the embryo actually being placed in to my uterus, and then we were given a photo of the embryo, which we viewed together privately once the transfer was complete, behind the partially closed doors of one of the procedure "staging rooms." It was emotional and it was powerful. We held each other close and cried, full of hope and so happy. We left the clinic that day feeling bonded in a whole new way and it was so special. We couldn't stop smiling! We could have just gotten pregnant! But this time, J will be at work and I will be two hours away at the clinic experiencing it all without him. Imagine doing something so important without the most important person in your life by your side. It's a big bummer. {Thankfully, my boss is going to take me but she'll be in the waiting room - and yes, I fully realize how fortunate I am to have a boss who is so caring and awesome, but I think it goes without saying that it's not the same as if J were there}. This journey has its ups and downs. It's just the nature of the beast, so to speak. We'll adapt and adjust to the idea but today, I'm feeling pretty blue about it.

C'est la vie.

In the meantime, I am to continue on with my estrogen twice daily, my prenatal vitamin, and my baby aspirin. Next Tuesday, we'll find out how my insides are coming along and hopefully set a date for transfer! If my uterus is looking nice and plush by next Tuesday's appointment (fingers crossed!), in addition to the progesterone, I'll also add in the steroid pills and antibiotics that I take for about a week leading up to transfer day. I bought myself a pill organizer ($1 special!) that I can carry with me in my purse and I can't believe I didn't think of this before now! Right now, it's just housing my estrogen and prenatal vitamins but come Oct. 6, it will be quite handy dandy.

As always, thank you for reading and for following along this journey of ours - and for loving and supporting us through it! We appreciate you, more than you know. Until next Tuesday!

Please Let This Be Our Year

I guess I was feeling nostalgic (wait, what? Me, nostalgic? Never....) because I decided to read through my old blog earlier this week and stumbled upon some real gems, one of which was this video our good friend Allie sent us a few years ago (2011 I believe). Listening to it brought tears to my eyes, as again we find ourselves fervently hoping that these last few months of 2015 will make this year our year, THE year. 2011 wasn't meant to be but maybe, just maybe, 2015 is. And if so, then 2016 will be the year when our little miracle is ushered in to this world and that possibility fills us with such anticipation and hope and joy that it helps make what we're going through with IVF bearable.

My cycle arrived so today is cycle day 1, which means I started taking my estrogen today. My baseline ultrasound appointment has been scheduled for next Tuesday at 9am. I am nervous that they will find a lingering follicle from last month, which would mean we'd have to postpone the FET another month or until the follicle disappeared. That would obviously not be ideal and quite disappointing so please keep positive thoughts that all will be well and we can continue on with the protocol for this FET without issue! I will update on Tuesday, but in the meantime, please enjoy "This Will Be Our Year" by The Zombies :)

This Will Be Our Year - The Zombies

The warmth of your love
Is like the warmth of the sun
And this will be our year
Took a long time to come

Don't let go of my hand
Now darkness has gone
And this will be our year
Took a long time to come

And I won't forget
The way you held me up when I was down
And I won't forget the way you said
"Darling I love you"
You gave me faith to go on

Now we're there
And we've only just begun
This will be our year
Took a long time to come

The warmth of your smile
Smile for me, little one
And this will be our year
Took a long time to come

You don't have to worry
All your worried days are gone
This will be our year
Took a long time to come

And I won't forget
The way you held me up when I was down
And I won't forget the way you said
"Darling I love you"
You gave me faith to go on

Now we're there
And we've only just begun
And this will be our year
Took a long time to come

Yeah, we only just begun
Yeah, this will be our year
Took a long time to come

Just about a week away...

This next cycle is fast approaching! Come Monday, I'll take my final birth control pill and then await my period. Once that arrives, I'll start taking estrogen 2x a day on cycle day 1. Cycle day 5, I'll make a trip up to the clinic to have my baseline ultrasound done, which will check for residual follicles from last month, make sure my uterus is in good shape, and the blood work will check to make sure my hormones have returned to normal. If all looks good, then on cycle day 13, I'll make another trip up to the clinic for a uterine lining check. If my uterine lining is 7mm or thicker, J will begin administering the nightly progesterone shots in to my hip muscles. Approximately 5-7 days after we begin those shots, they'll do the embryo transfer. At this time, if all goes to plan, it is likely that the transfer would be around October 10, perhaps a day or so later. 10 days after that will be the beta to test for pregnancy.

So...transfer day. We are really hoping that transfer day ends up falling on a weekend so J can be there -- if transfer falls on a week day, he won't be able to come with me due to his work schedule...and I think it goes without saying, we'd be mighty disappointed. Since the intimacy aspect of baby-making is pretty much all but gone by this point in the game, going through the transfer procedure together is as close to intimate as we get with IVF. It's a deeply emotional experience, and it would be very disappointing if the timeline were to deny us that. But, we'll do what we have to do and my boss has offered to take me, should J be unable to go, as I take a sedative pre-transfer and am not allowed (or able) to drive myself home. But, even though I'd have a ride, I'd be alone in the procedure room, which would certainly be less than ideal -- for more reasons than one -- including the fact that I'd be loopy and hard pressed to ask important questions or remember the answers. We'll just have to hope for the best and no matter what, hope that the embryo defrosts well and that procedure itself goes off without a hitch!

I think it feels a bit surreal to us both that this next try is nearly upon us. This attempt feels very different compared to last month, in nearly every way. That being said, we are both feeling quite optimistic and I can only speak for myself, but I think one big reason is because my body has had some time to rest from all of the hell it went through for the fresh IVF cycle last month. Looking back at it, I can't quite believe I put my body through so much in such a short period of time. I mean, I was there, I know it happened but I really pushed the limits and I think having a month and a half to kind of breathe and get our heads "back in the game" can only be a positive thing. We have processed our sad feelings and disappointment from try #1, now we're ready to take on try #2 and we hope hope hope that this is IT for us. I've explained my feelings about try #2 vs try #1 in this way: the doctor has said that we have approximately a 56% chance of success, which is nearly the same odds as flipping a coin. If you've ever flipped a coin, you know that your odds of "winning" (ie having what you call as the coin is flipping through the air actually be what is lying face up in your palm when it lands) increases with every flip. We flipped our coin last month, called "pregnancy" when it was up in the air, but it landed face down, or "no pregnancy." So next month, we'll flip again and hopefully this time, the coin will land in our favor.

Stay tuned, more to come next week!

When Everything's a Struggle...

...everything feels immense. I can't tell you how exhausted I am, mentally, emotionally, from dealing with our infertility struggles over the years. I was exhausted physically as well in August from all of the IVF stuff we had to to do but mostly, I'm just absolutely worn out from every.little.thing that we have to go through just to get a shot at conceiving. Just for the opportunity to try. And it wears a person down.

For instance, we received an unexpected bill over the weekend for two ultrasounds done in town. Then we received another bill yesterday, this one for MUCH MORE money than the first, for my blood work done locally. We thought, "it's probably because the local gynecology office and the local lab at the hospital don't know we're enrolled in this loan program at our fertility clinic and all we'll have to do is forward the bills to the right person and it'll get taken care of." But I was still nervous. And it turns out I had every right to be.

After speaking with our "middle-man" at the company who is the mediator between the clinic and the bank who gave us the loan, and who actually produces the paperwork we signed and agreed to before starting the actual IVF process last month, it appears that the "local partners" we were told were okay for us to visit in lieu of having to drive 2 hours one way to our clinic up North, were actually not okay alternatives and the appointments were not covered by the plan...meaning the visits and charges incurred were additional and thus out of pocket. Apparently, our loan agreement lays it out but when I asked our doctor and nurse team about the possibility of a local, comparable partner who would be an acceptable alternative for me to visit for monitoring appointments on those days when it wasn't possible for me to make the drive, they gave me the okay to go to local places and never once said, "but be advised that should you choose to be seen locally, those visits will not be covered by your package plan through us." Not once. So yes, we misinterpreted something in our loan agreement, but they should have also, as the care providers, made sure we understood our options for treatment.

Long, LONG story short, I had several very unpleasant conversations today and ended up in tears. The bills amount to over $2,000 and we just don't have it. We can be put on a payment plan, and I know in the grand scheme of things, $2k isn't the end of the world but when you're paying an arm and a leg already each month to begin repaying a loan for much more (in addition to other monthly expenditures we pay every month like everyone else), every additional penny spent feels like it's tipping the scales.

Please tell me this will all be worth it. Because right now, it seems like chasing our dream of a family is one big money pit and not only is that very discouraging, but it's pretty depressing as well.

Everything just seems so big sometimes, with no end in sight. Is it our turn for a miracle? Sure seems like it should be. In the end, I know life isn't fair and s**t happens. I'm just tired and writing helps me make sense of things. We'll get our "happily ever after," I have to believe that. One day at a time...

And we're off!

Today is CD 3 (cycle day 3) so I will begin taking my birth control pills tonight. I'm hoping that this new brand agrees with me better than the last one I was on...it made me feel absolutely empty inside. The first week on it, I'd feel like a big lump of nothing, it was awful. So when I found out I'd need to be on birth control pills again, I requested another brand. I've taken Junel before so let's hope this month is better! After an unsuccessful IVF cycle, the last thing I want to feel like is depressed, especially since we're trying so hard to regain and retain optimism for this next attempt.

 Then what? Well, I will take the pill for 21 days and await my next cycle. On CD 1, I will begin taking estrogen 2x a day (orally) and on CD 5, I will go in for a baseline ultrasound to check my uterus and ovaries. I will not be taking any medication to stimulate my ovaries this go-around (hooray!) but they still need to make sure no residual larger follicles remain from before, and also check my uterus to make sure it is still fibroid/polyp free. They will also check my uterine lining to see if it's beginning to show signs of "thickening up," which is what we want: we want a nice, plush implantation environment. If all looks good, I will continue taking the estrogen 2x a day. On CD 13, I will go in for another uterine lining check. At this point, the lining should be 7mm or thicker. If not, the estrogen dosage may be increased. If yes, then we will add in progesterone shots (the ones in the butt muscles). We will do this for approximately five nights, leading up to transfer day! Then I'd continue both estrogen and progesterone through the 10-day waiting period, up until beta day. Right now, if all goes perfectly and to plan, we are looking at a transfer around October 10, give or take a few days. I say "give or take" because if we need to add days to thicken my lining, that would move it back a bit. Also, we have a bit more flexibility with a frozen embryo transfer since we already have our embryos and we're not waiting for them to mature in a lab. Normally, they don't like to do FETs on the weekends (because of the fact that we can pretty much choose a date as opposed to fresh cycle IVFers who are bound by a schedule) but I told them that J is a professor and cannot miss class, so he'd be unable to go with me for the transfer if it was scheduled for a week day. Our nurse said they will try their best to make an exception for us, since they understand our want to have J there with me, and they want him to be there, too! However, if they simply cannot make it happen, my boss has offered to take me. See, incredibly supportive, right? No one else here knows we're doing this so I'm just so thankful there is another alternative should J be unable to go.

For the time being, we are trying our best to shift our focus to this next attempt and be optimistic that this next try in October will be THE ONE. But, that being said, we're trying to really take it one day at a time and not put too much pressure on ourselves. Yes, we're doing all we can to help ensure that this next attempt will be successful but there's only so much we can do. Much of it is out of our hands. So we march steadily onward, with hopeful hearts.

Part of the healing process for me this week has been giving myself the freedom to eat things that have been off limits for the past two months, guilt-free: wine, ice cream, Thai food, bread, candy, pizza. I hardly ever drink soda and I enjoyed a great big Pepsi this afternoon. It's the small things :) I will start back on my fertility diet plan tomorrow, but I will be a bit lenient. For instance, I will be eating most of the stuff I should but I'll probably not start eating organic until mid-month, mostly due to the cost. Eating strictly organic and "clean" is really expensive and with all the other stuff we're paying for (IVF loan payment and acupuncture among them) we just don't have the funds to eat that way for too long. Long story short, it's been nice to treat myself for a few days. I think I deserve it :)

Anyway, that's where we stand! Won't have much to report from now until my later in September so stay tuned and thank you, as always, for your continued love and support as we venture forth on this little odyssey of ours. We couldn't do it without you!!

Grief, Healing, and the Future

Yesterday was hard. That goes without saying. Getting the news that our first IVF attempt was unsuccessful was not news we had hoped to receive. But, if I'm being honest, it was not completely surprising, at least to me. J was far more shocked than I was. I expressed fear and doubt about half way through the 10-day waiting period from transfer to beta day and I wanted to believe it was just that: fear and doubt. But deep down, I knew it was intuition, and I couldn't explain it. And maybe some of you reading this won't believe me, and that's fine. But I knew it hadn't worked several days before getting the official results. I expressed this to our doctor yesterday, who had the unfortunate task of relaying our negative beta results, and he was not at all surprised by my admission. He said that in his experience, the women who truly, deep down in their gut feel that it didn't work, are usually correct. Women often express fear that it didn't work but that's normal, most everyone is fearful it won't or hasn't worked. But to feel it in your bones, to feel it so absolutely, he said those women tend to be right. Of course there are women who get pleasantly shocked when their gut feeling is proved to be wrong, and I had so hoped to be one of those women, but I wasn't. And it was terrible. Yes, the news didn't come as a true shock but the news was still devastating. I sobbed in my bosses office for close to a half an hour and wished that I could grieve in J's arms instead of at work (sidenote: I am so thankful my boss was so kind and has been so wonderfully supportive throughout this process). But for me, I think the most difficult part of yesterday's news was knowing that despite ALL the intervention and medical help, and despite all of our best efforts and after putting myself through all of the meds and the doctor appointments...we were still unsuccessful. How can that be? It seems unfathomable. Sometimes, there are things the doctor can point to and say, "Well, maybe if that had been better, or "next time, we'll do this differently," but that wasn't the case with us. We had a near perfect cycle. Everything was going so well and it all looked so good so surely, the outcome would reflect the process thus far...but it doesn't work that way. Sometimes, it just flat out doesn't work. No reason, no explanation. And that's what we're dealing with. And THAT is hard to accept.

Before I go any further, I want to thank you all for your loving words of support. Receiving your texts and email messages last night was of great comfort to us. I certainly didn't relish sharing the news with you, least of all my parents, as I know you all were hoping for success right along with us. You have been so wonderful, thank you. When I finally got home (I had a work thing to get through but was granted permission to leave earlier than I had anticipated, which was so appreciated), we ordered Thai food from a favorite restaurant, J poured himself some bourbon, I had a glass of wine, and we just spent a quiet evening together watching Seinfeld reruns. We unplugged and tried to unwind and we even danced together in the living room to just be silly and smile for a bit. I am so lucky to have J -- he even removed our embie photo from the fridge so I wouldn't have to. We'll get through this together, one day at a time. We need to allow ourselves to grieve what could have been, but then we have to pick ourselves up and soldier on. Hope is still very much alive...in the form of our three beautiful embies on ice. For their sake and ours, it is imperative that we regain (and retain!) our sense of optimism and excitement in the process because we want to try again.

So, that begs the question of, what's next?

I am to await my cycle, which should arrive in the next few days. Then, on day three of that cycle, I will once again begin taking birth control pills. This will help my ovaries return to their normal size and function and will also help my hormone levels return to their normal state. In the next month, I will get another SIS (saline intrauterine sonogram) to make sure all looks well and that no residual follicles remain. Then, with the onset of that very NEXT menstrual period, I will begin taking estrogen tablets 2x a day (orally! yahoo!) leading up to our first FET (frozen embryo transfer). They will start by defrosting the embies on ice one at a time. If one doesn't survive the thaw, they will move on to the next one. Our doctor is confident that out of the three we have, at least one will survive the defrosting process, which is, as you can imagine, tough on the embryo. A big takeaway to remember is this: although this IVF cycle didn't have the outcome we had hoped for, it did give us four beautiful embryos: one we used, and three others that are currently being cryo-preserved. We are so grateful that I won't have to go through all of those crazy stimulation drugs again! Those remaining three beautiful embies mean that all I will have to do this go-around is eat well, get rest, continue acupuncture, get a few blood draws leading up to transfer day, take my estrogen pills and later, the progesterone shots post-transfer. SO MUCH LESS than this last time. Far fewer doctor appointments, far less wear and tear on my body and system, far less stress. Thank you, embies, thank you, thank you. If all goes well and to plan, we are looking at an early October transfer date, although it could be as early as late September. We shall see.

According to our doctor, FETs have just as much chance of success as a fresh transfer, so we are holding on to hope that this next time will bring us our miracle. In the meantime, we will grieve, but we will also heal and then we will move on. Our child is still out there, and we're not giving up.

Love you all <3

Maybe next time

I will write more another day, once we have a chance to process the news. We did everything we could have done and then some, and yet...for whatever reason, it wasn't meant to be. And even though we understand that, it doesn't make the disappointment and sadness we feel any easier to accept.

We are heartbroken.

Thank you for being a part of this journey and for keeping us and our little embie in your thoughts, prayers, and hearts.

Tomorrow is Beta Day

Tomorrow is a big day. Big, big day. Tomorrow is the day we find out if this IVF cycle took or if we'll need to try again with one of our embies on ice. Miraculously, I have refrained from peeing on home pregnancy tests and it's not been easy. Most (and I truly do mean MOST) women going through IVF begin peeing on {pregnancy test} sticks (POS) about half way through their wait from transfer to beta day, but being the rule follower that I am (and also, I couldn't handle seeing the negative if that's what it's to be) I followed the clinic's instructions and have not tested at home. A down side to that is that I have NO CLUE what tomorrow's beta will be. When we found out we were pregnant in 2011, I had such strong symptoms that I felt comfortable taking an at-home test and it was positive, so when beta day arrived that next day, I knew it was going to come back positive, too. This time...my symptoms have been very few and sporadic, and truthfully, could all be explained away by the hormones I've been taking (estrogen and progesterone). So to say I'm anxious and fighting off feelings of doubt would be an understatement. Part of me wants to break down and take a home pregnancy test, just so I know what I'll be walking in to tomorrow. But the bigger part of me is afraid of what the result will be so then I think, why not wait another day? Which is what I'll do. Tomorrow will be here soon enough! ...yikes.

Answering that phone call from the clinic tomorrow with my beta results will be incredibly hard. Not having a strong sense of what's to be makes it doubly difficult. That phone call has the power to change our lives. If it's positive news, and if all goes well in the months ahead, we could welcome a child in to our family, at long last, in the Spring. If it's negative news...well, tomorrow will be a very hard day. I wish I had a better feeling about how tomorrow will go, but I don't. I wish I had something so "obvious" that helped me feel more optimistic than I do, but I don't. So it could truly go either way. We know that we have done absolutely everything in our power to help make this cycle a success. There is nothing that we could have done better, I really believe that. So I know that whatever the result, it's just what is meant to be, as hard as that may be to accept (and hopefully whatever is meant to be will be in our favor!). That being said, I'm really, really scared! But, doing my best to remain as optimistic as I can. J is doing great and has been a champ at keeping us both grounded in hope and the reality that it's not over till it's over, regardless of symptoms or lack thereof. We've just gone through so much and I've put my body through so much in the last month that if it's not a good result, it's going to be a very hard pill to swallow. We will try again, there is no question, but we'd obviously prefer to not have to. So please join us in sending out an extra burst of positive energy, prayer, vibes, etc through tomorrow!!

I will share the news, either way, sometime late tomorrow night, to give us a chance to process whatever the results turn out to be. And also, I have an event at work that goes until 8pm (real great, huh?) so I will need a chance to get home and to a computer!

In about 24 hours, I'll be on my way back to Bloomington from getting my blood drawn. And by tomorrow afternoon, we'll know if our golden embie implanted and if our journey is about to take a turn for the WONDERFUL. Oh please oh please oh please...

Transfer Day - Complete!

What a wonderful day! We arrived at the clinic at around 9:15 am this morning and got checked in. We were both asked to refrain from wearing any strong smelling anything, so no soap, no cologne or perfume, no lotion, no deodorant, no hair products, and I elected to go make-up free. I was asked to drink a few cups of water to ensure my bladder was full (which helps push up the uterus to make it more visible during the ultrasound as they're guiding the catheter through the uterine cavity to place the embryo). After I had my blood drawn, I was given a Valium and then escorted to the transfer room. In addition to the one transferred in to me today, we found out that one embryo was frozen, and four others are still in the wings to develop a bit further. We will find out tomorrow sometime how many will be frozen in all.

Transfer went very smoothly and we were overcome with emotion upon viewing our little embie for the first time. It was graded as a BB, which is very good. A's are hardly ever given, so we and the doctors were pleased. To our eyes, it was perfect and so very beautiful.

Before the transfer! We both had to "suit up".

During the transfer. The nurse is pointing to the place where our embryo is being placed in my uterus.

Viewing a photograph of our embryo for the first time.

Our beautiful little embie <3

Proud and hopeful and already in love with what could be <3

I am on bed rest for the remainder of today and then very minimal activity tomorrow. I am to continue taking my estrogen 3x a day, progesterone shots 1x a day, prenatal vitamin, and baby aspirin. Implantation can occur anywhere from 1-5 days after the embryo is transferred. Please join us in remaining positive and optimistic that our little embie will get comfy cozy in my uterus and want to stay. 

We welcome your prayers, positive thoughts, and good vibes as we enter in to this 10-day waiting period until beta day on August 25th! This is often the most emotionally difficult part of the process, as we anxiously await the outcome of this phase of our journey. It will be a challenge to stay away from Google and not put too much stock in to what I feel or don't feel as we inch closer to beta day, but we are determined to hold on to hope and have faith and believe that this is going to bring us our miracle. Thank you all for the thoughtful messages of support this morning and last night - they meant so much to us and helped us feel as though you were all near in spirit. Thank you, thank you <3

Oh sweet embie. Please stay with us. Please continue to grow. We love you so much already.