Beta day: the sequel

I woke up feeling anxious and full of doubt. Up until today, I've been doing pretty well, so I'll chalk it up to nerves. And really, who could blame me? At one point, I found myself just wandering aimlessly around the house. I didn't even realize I was doing it until I noticed I was wringing my hands and the dog was hot on my heels, panting heavily in my wake. Tomorrow. Tomorrow is just a sleep away.

{An aside: A friend announced her pregnancy on Facebook yesterday after being married three months. A honeymoon baby. I was so hoping I could somehow manage to escape a pregnancy announcement during this waiting period but alas, it was not meant to be. After a few hours, I mustered the strength to wish them well because after all, it's not their fault our situation has turned out the way it has. It's not anyone's fault. But regardless, as I was typing the words, it took all I had not to cry.}

The good news: Up until today (which again, we're chalking up to nerves) I don't feel nearly as "down" about this beta day as I was last time. Which doesn't mean anything except that I'm thankful to not be feeling so blue and doom and gloom walking in to the appointment. Not that I could help it, but feeling that way made a difficult situation even more so. So hooray for hope!

The "bad" news: I have really no idea what tomorrow's result will be. As I did last time, I opted not to test with pee sticks at home. Regardless of the result (had I taken an at-home test), the clinic would still require me to go in on Monday anyway, just to be 100% certain, and I couldn't bear having to potentially deal with bad emotions for days longer than necessary. Some of you have asked if I have had any symptoms, but honestly, anything I've felt could be explained away by the hormone shot and pills. So, we wait.

You'd think we'd be used to this by now, this period of waiting. But like so much of this journey, the longer you're on it, the harder it gets. These waiting periods are infinitely more challenging now because not only are we more emotionally invested by this point, but the weeks leading up to this all or nothing day is all the more intense because the process itself has been so involved. And let's not forget the financial aspect. We are in deep. So, the stakes have most definitely been raised, in all ways. But you guys know this already. This is not new news. Truthfully, I'm a nervous wreck. Tomorrow is a big day. Our little snowflake is either continuing to grow and thrive, or we'll get the news that we dread: we'll need to try again.

It is remarkable that we find ourselves on this path so many years later, but what's even more remarkable is that even though this road has been so tough and so unpredictable, we still haven't given up hope. We are still here because we still believe in our family. We are resilient. We believe that this will all be worth it. We believe that one day, we will get good news, the BEST news, and that day has got to be fast approaching. We are past due for our miracle, I'd say. And that is what I am holding on to as I think about tomorrow's appointment. One day, we will beat the odds and welcome a child in to our lives and that portion of our story could very well begin tomorrow. And how amazing is that?? Our lives could change -- for the better! -- in one phone call.

So. My appointment is at 9:20 a.m. (so, 6:20 a.m. West coast time). We certainly welcome your good thoughts, positive juju, prayers, etc going in to (and through!) tomorrow. I will update you all sometime tomorrow evening, once Jason and I have had some time to process the news, whatever it may be. We decided that it would be best for me to take the day off instead of running the risk of grieving publicly at work, as I did last time. Regardless of the outcome, it will be nice to be able to feel what I feel and not have to censor it for my surroundings. And my boss, being the amazing lady she is, agreed wholeheartedly and encouraged me to take the day. So I did!

Thank you for your continued love and support -- we couldn't do this without you on our "team"!!

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Dear snowflake, 

We love you already, more than you could ever imagine. We are enamored by the mere possibility of you. Please stay. Please allow us to call you "ours", to give you a name, to raise you and love you. Forever and always. Oh the memories we would make. Please allow us to be your mommy and daddy. It would be our honor and such an immense privilege. 

Much love, little one <3