What Are You Willing to Struggle For?

I ran across an article today that encouraged people to ask themselves, "What am I willing to struggle for?" instead of the usual, "What is that I want out of life?" The point is to help identify what it is that we want for ourselves -- and if it's truly something we want, then it should be something that we're willing to work hard for, make sacrifices for, be uncomfortable for, in pursuit of that "thing," whatever it may be. An example given was that many people say they want an amazing job - but most people aren't willing to put in a 60-hour work week, put up with the ins and outs of a big corporation, be okay with small salary to start as you work your way up the ladder, or commit to a long daily commute in order to make that particular dream happen. Most dreams don't just fall from the sky- they require hard work and personal sacrifice. But, some are willing to do what it takes, even if the going gets tough. Knowing your boundaries and what you're willing to put up with to attain what you want in life is important. You can read the full article here if you're interested.

Well, friends, I think we've most assuredly identified, without a shadow of a doubt, what it is that J and I are willing to struggle for: our family. But, it was great to read that article and feel that validation of, "yes, as much as it hurts, as much as we wish we didn't have to be on this journey, as much as we're ready to be done and have our family, we're willing to do what it takes, whatever it is that we can do, to make our dream of family a reality." We've been through hell and back in the last eight years, and we're not done yet. We've spent upwards of $45,000 thus far (including our current loan), endured countless procedures, taken more medication that I care to think about, been heartbroken more times than I can count, been patients at three different infertility clinics, all in the pursuit of our little miracle. We're committed. One way or another, whether through my own womb or through adoption, we will welcome a child or children in to our family - and oh, what a glorious day that will be!

On that note, I thought I'd better update everyone on where we stand. Currently, we are awaiting approval from our infertility loan company - every 6+ months, they require updated blood work, which they then either approve or disapprove. Success through IVF is so arbitrary but they have to have some way of assessing risk. And, since it's a shared risk "program" they want to make sure that we're still a good bet, meaning they want to check my ovarian reserve and make sure it has not diminished (basically, that I'll continue to produce a good number of eggs to then be turned in to embryos) and that I'm not going in to early menopause. It happens, so they just have to check and then determine if we're still worth the risk. We hope they think so. Otherwise, we're done. They could just adjust our loan amount by half and wipe their hands of us. It's scary. My nurse said it's unlikely that they'll disapprove but since we've gone through a full IVF cycle (which consisted of 1 fresh transfer and 2 frozen embryo transfers) without any success, it puts us on edge. Please hope for approval...as much as I dread putting my body through another medicated fresh cycle, I'm willing to do it because our dream of family is worth it. It's worth the risk, it's worth it all, so long as we get to try.

Once all of that is determined (and hopefully, we're given the green light), we can proceed with our fresh cycle, which will begin the first week of March. My meds will be ordered in about a week or so, I'll await my next period and then once it arrives, we'll be off and running. Egg retrieval would be sometime mid-March with transfer scheduled for 5 days after that.

I can't believe we are here but we are. This is our last shot. We're committed. We're in this to win this. I've decided that as much as this journey has tried to break me, I won't allow it to. I won't get in to it here, but January was one of the worst months we've experienced on this journey thus far, emotionally speaking. Let's just simplify it and call it extreme post-holiday blues. But, we've come too far and this is too important to start waving our little white flag. I'm stronger than infertility, and I'm stronger than all of the heartbreak and anxiety that comes with it. J and I are stronger than it all - we've been through hell before and came out stronger on the other side - and we're not letting this struggle get the better of us. Our child is still out there, and we're not giving up just because the going has gotten tough. So show me what you've got, IVF process. I'm ready for you and I'm more stubborn than you could ever imagine.

Thank you for being our village and for loving us through it all. Your support means more than I could ever put in to words. Until early March...