Where We Stand

I want to thank you all for your kind words of comfort and for reaching out to us with so much love this week. This has been a trying time for us and we are grateful for the myriad of ways in which you have stood by our side as we continue to weather this storm. I apologize if I haven't gotten back to each of you individually - I'm just now, today, beginning to feel like I'm coming out of the fog. But know that your words were read and appreciated -- thank you, from the bottom of our hearts.

Monday was one of the crappiest days we've experienced in a very long time. The level of hopelessness hit a new low as we faced the reality that after three transfers and all four of our precious embryos, we were still unsuccessful in bringing about the miracle we have so longed and yearned for. And there is no clear reason as to why. We must start all over again, from follicle stimulation, to egg retrieval, to the "creation of embryos," to transfer. Thankfully, the loan package we have "purchased" allows us two full IVF cycles, from start to finish, and any subsequent frozen embryo transfers. We have completed one full IVF cycle and all frozen embryo transfers that resulted from that first full fresh cycle - Monday's negative beta marked the end of that first full round and thus the half-way mark, so to speak, as we have one full round remaining.

For several reasons, we have chosen to take a step back for a few months and resume treatment in March (at either the beginning or the end, depending on how we feel). My body needs time to rest and heal, especially since it will once again be put through the ringer. We need some time to emotionally process what we've endured thus far and get our heads and hearts back "in the game." From a practical standpoint, we need so save up money for the stimulation medication and I need to accrue more PTO hours, as I have nearly depleted my reserves with all of the appointments I have had in the past six months. Lastly, the weather will soon take a turn and driving up to the clinic and back by myself will no longer just be taxing - it will also be dangerous. January and February are our most "wintry" months and it would not be wise to be on the roads so frequently once the snow, sleet and ice make their appearance.

I had a chance to talk to our doctor yesterday and ask him some questions regarding what we can do differently this next time and there aren't many options. Our embryos were good quality, my uterine lining reached the desired thickness each cycle, and the transfer procedures went well each and every time. So what else is there to do? Genetic testing, which would test the chromosomal makeup of the embryos, is what the doctor suggested, as there might be something genetically wrong with our embryos (all of them? really?) but the procedure is $4,000-5,000 additional, out of pocket. So, that's completely out of the question. The other suggestion he had is something called Endometrial Receptivity Array (ERA), which is basically a biopsy of the endometrial lining. If my lining is found to not be receptive (meaning not likely to accept implantation of an embryo...which is obviously a major issue), they would adjust the transfer time either forward or backward to accommodate whatever the biopsy shows. Here is a description from an online article about the procedure: "A new test, the Endometrial Receptivity Array (ERA),...provides insight into how receptive a woman’s uterus will be at a particular stage in her menstrual cycle. Essentially, this will help fertility doctors to determine the best time to transfer an embryo in hopes that it will implant." This procedure can only be done during a frozen embryo transfer cycle, so we'd decide whether or not we'd want to try it only AFTER our initial fresh embryo transfer and of course, only if that first transfer was unsuccessful. This procedure is roughly $1,200, so we'd have to first see if we could somehow scrape together the funds before we committed to giving it a try.

Basically, it "should" be working...but it's not. Everything is happening as it should leading up to transfer, but it's not resulting in a pregnancy. So when this happens, after several failed cycles, the doctors must consider other reasons as to why it may not be working: chromosomal abnormalities, and uterine linings that are not receptive to implantation. Most unfortunately, we've found ourselves in the category of "unexplained infertility." But our doctor also said that he still feels we have a good chance of eventual success with IVF - and he assured me he would be honest and tell me otherwise if he felt we had no chance of conceiving a biological child in my own uterus. But we only have one full round left and "eventual" is very open-ended. The realist in me has a lot to say about the word "eventual" -- but the optimist in me, the bit that I'm training to become more and more vocal, keeps whispering, "Don't go there yet. You don't know what you don't know." So I'm trying hard to listen and remember that hope is still very much alive. I am certainly not thrilled about the prospect of putting my body through another full round, but we are committed to seeing this process through (both financially - we've already committed to paying back the full loan amount - and emotionally), and committed to the dream of our family. So if we must do this again, we must do this again. And then we'll know we did everything we could.

Are we frustrated? Yes. Beyond frustrated. Scared? Very. Angry? Uh huh. Heartbroken? Absolutely. This has been the least holly-jolly holiday season we've experienced since 2011, when my grandfather passed away, our family dog passed away, and we miscarried. The fact is, we are many things at present, but one thing we are NOT is beaten. It ain't over till it's over. And it ain't over. We hope and pray that 2016 will bring better days and happier times, and we are so grateful for each of you. May 2016 bless you and your families - and may the coming year be filled with joy, laughter, a minimal amount of hardship, and love in abundance.

We wish you a Merry Christmas ~ Thank you for everything <3