Finding the 'Something Good' in Every Day

I've been struggling. Finances are super hard right now. More so than I care to admit out loud. Embarrassingly bad, even. So bad that I fear this journey of ours was a financial mistake in every possible way. And that makes me immeasurably sad and filled with immense anxiety because no matter which path to parenthood we choose, spending money we don't have is the only way for us to get there. Having a biological baby by my own womb via IVF, adoption, surrogacy -- they all cost an astronomical amount of money. And those are our options. So it's absolutely horrid to feel like wanting a family, with every ounce of who we are, is the wrong thing to want. You don't have money for a car? You don't get a car. You don't have money for a house? You don't get a house. You can't afford a loan for those things? Then you don't get the loan and by proxy, you don't get those things you wanted. You do without. But what if you don't have money for a baby? And it's all you want in life? And you've spent the better part of 8 years trying to achieve this dream of yours? Because a new car, a new house, you can live without those things. You'll just keep driving the car you have and keep renting instead of buying. But a family? Family IS life. So what then? It's beginning to feel stupid, what we're doing. Foolish. And it breaks my heart. I look at our financial situation and I feel nothing but dread and anxiety and fear. We can't afford to do this, and yet, we are. I've always tried to reason with myself and say it'll be worth it when it works. Because it would be. {It WILL be} But now, one full IVF in, I'm not so sure it will work anymore. And what then? Well, we're not walking away from our chance for a family - so we'd embark down a new path, which would mean, you guessed it! More money. I'm tired. I need a vacation, some time to just "be" but I don't get to do that. I have to save up my PTO hours for the next try instead.

Everyone has their struggles. Everyone. I know each one of you has things going on in your own life that you wish you could change. It's a part of life, I suppose. The trick is finding a way to manage and navigate these challenges...

Long story short, I'm scared and times are hard. And unless I want to go crazy, I have to {HAVE TO} focus on what makes me happy. Because if I don't, I lose. We lose. And having been down that particular path before as well, I can't allow it to happen again. This process won't get the better of me. I may sometimes feel like I'm beginning to crack, but I'm not broken. So what makes me content? Let me count the ways:

J. Without him, I'd be lost. He is my rock and my best friend. My true North. We've spent more of our lives together than apart, and he knows me nearly as well as I know myself. And he loves me. Scars (both emotional and physical), anxieties, short-comings and all. He encourages me and shares in my dreams. We've built a life together and are so beyond ready to build a family together, too.

My family. I miss them. Every. Single. Day. But the memories we've made together make me smile. I am so blessed to have a family I enjoy spending time with, that I openly share my life with. We're there for each other and have seen the good, the bad, and the downright ugly but we don't walk away. We hold each other up and get through it together. 

My friends. If only we all lived closer. I wish we could share in our daily lives like we once did in school. The small moments mixed in with the larger ones. But I'm so fortunate to have amazing friends who still stay in touch despite where life has taken each one of us. Friends who are really more like family than friends. I am lucky to have such people to call "my people."

Chloe and Kobe. The fur babies. Our little loves. Oh my goodness, do those two make me smile. Every day, they do the nuttiest things and bring such joy to the mundane. They teach us about gratitude, trust, happiness and unconditional love. They've been steadfast friends through life's biggest challenges and their silent comforting presence is sometimes all I need. 

Reading. To get lost for a little while, to fall away from all of life's many responsibilities and pressures is a gift. I've gone so many places, met so many people, had so many experiences -- between the pages of books. Reading is a refuge and a joy and I love it. And I love that I love it.

Photography. I forget about what's troubling me when I'm out in nature, focused on the landscape in front me. Getting the lighting just right, the angle, the composition. It's relaxing. I'm engaged with the world around me and time falls away. To me, photographs are just another way to tell a story.

Writing. For as long as I can remember, I've processed what I'm feeling and expressed who I am through the written word. I love words and how they allow you to share yourself with others. I've always had a journal or blogged or written long-winded letters, then emails. I majored in writing in college - poetry, specifically. I enjoyed writing papers in school. I like choosing just the right word for just the right situation. I like how sentences flow, how they sound when read aloud, and will often move the words around until the sentence sounds and flows just how I want it to. Words are the closest thing to magic, I think, because they transform our language into stories, experiences, adventures, emotions. And how amazing is that?

Cooking. Being in the kitchen relaxes me. I like trying new recipes and enjoy preparing meals for others - especially hosting for the holidays. To me, food is another way to express love and offer comfort.

What else? Music, the holidays, doing things for others, gardening, scented candles, soft blankets, movies, popcorn with dark chocolate M&Ms mixed in, Skype dates with family and friends, English breakfast tea, when our family and friends visit, my gentle yoga class, snow, trips to the library, apples and peanut butter, my electric blanket, the sound of rain, sunsets and sunrises, unexpected good fortune (no matter how small), a good belly laugh, autumn leaves, red wine, a good night's rest. Dreams. Our dreams make me happy. They make me sad, too, if only because one dream in particular has been so hard for us turn in to a reality. But that dream is the biggest 'happy' of them all and we'll get there. I have to believe that.

So. When I'm down and feeling beaten and about to break, I must read this list and then add to it. Because while every day may not be good, there is something good in every day.  So long as I can always manage to find it, I'm winning.