Very few people know we are doing this. Very few people. I've created this blog separate from my other one because the other one has followers who don't know we are embarking on this path. This time, it feels different. It feels invasive on a whole new level. IVF is like pulling out the big guns -- there is nothing "more" than this. This is our last chance to conceive a biological child, my last chance to carry a child in my womb. It feels private, guarded. It feels big and scary and oppressive. But it also feels hopeful. It feels good to be heading down this path again, even if the road is bumpier and filled with more twists and turns than ever before.
It feels right.
That being said, I still need a place to write about what's going on because writing is how I process what I'm feeling. And now more than ever, I need to process what I'm feeling. I also want documentation of this journey - I want to remember what we went through, for better or for worse, because it matters. Our story is still our story, no matter how it turns out.
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As you know, we had our initial consultation with our new RE (we'll call him Dr. C) on Monday, May 18. All in all, it was a very encouraging and positive appointment - we really like our new doctor, and he and his staff seem very professional and kind, both equally important. We went over our past infertility history and talked about my heart health. I had some blood drawn for a base level progesterone level (which came back very low, no big surprise there) and we met with someone from the business office about financial options. The important take-away points: Dr. C agreed that IVF would be the best option for us. Even though my one pregnancy ended in miscarriage, it is considered a plus and will actually improve our IVF success rate, because it shows that my body can "do it" so to speak. My age is another positive. Given those two things (and without knowing anything else about my ovarian reserve or other baseline blood work to factor in to the equation) he put our anticipated success rate at around 69%...if we were to transfer two embryos. Which we are not doing, due to my heart health considerations. Transferring one embryo gives us a success rate of around 56%, which is still amazing, given that Dr. C estimated our previous IUI chances at around 9% each time...yikes. So 56% is awesome. In comparison, we would gladly accept those odds.
We left feeling good - overwhelmed but positive that this was what we wanted to do. The money was shocking but at the same time, not surprising. There is a LOT involved - many different specialists contributing to the "final product", several in-depth procedures, and meds and ultrasounds and blood work up the wazoo. Our heads were swimming with information on the ride home, but the excitement was definitely palpable. And what a relief it is to be EXCITED again! To have hope and anticipate a possible success!
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As it stands now, we are aiming to officially begin our IVF cycle at the end of July (unfortunately, the same week that we are scheduled to move in to our new house...never a dull moment!) which will mean an egg retrieval sometime the first week or so of August, with the embryo transfer 5 days after that. All in all, we should know if the first attempt took by the end of that month!
Where are we now? Well, I finished my 10 days of progesterone to start a period and my cycle began on Sunday, so I did my cycle day three blood work yesterday morning. Then, I am to start taking birth control pills this coming Sunday, which I will take for two months. Next Tuesday, J and I will have more blood work done (infectious disease panels required by the FDA + blood typing) and I will also have an SIS (saline intrauterine sonogram) done to check my uterus for fibroids and polyps. If any are found, I will make another appointment to have them removed, as it will help with conception success -- but let's hope I don't have to do that. Once all the blood work is back and the ultrasound is done, Dr. C will have a better idea of what our IVF protocol will be - and, a better idea of the cost, which will then allow us to apply for a loan. And this is all before the actual IVF itself. Heads.Spinning.
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Because it's me, and because this is my space to get it all out, I am going to list my fears and why each one scares me. And then hopefully, as time goes on and we get further and further in to this process, I can cross them off, one by one.
In no particular order:
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low ovarian reserve : which would mean IVF is a no-go, as we are not interested in donor eggs.
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something totally bizarre appears on our infectious disease panels : highly unlikely and not a rational fear but I'm super good at the what-if game, especially when it comes to irrational things. I've had many a vaginal ultrasound over the years (including in an ER) and you just start to wonder {read: worry} about the sterility of environments where hopefully clean instruments are continuously shoved up women's hoohas. Stranger things have happened and I'd prefer they didn't happen to us.
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they find fibroids or polyps in my uterus : yes, they could be removed and it would probably not be a big deal in the end, but I don't want another procedure and I don't want to spend more money that we don't have. Plus, I'm always worried about cancer. They'd send any polyps/fibroids to the lab to be tested and that's always unsettling.
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Cancer : Duh.
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we don't get our loan : pretty self explanatory. We wouldn't be able to do IVF any time soon and would have to resort to saving the money on our own, which would take many a month.
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the exponential cost : spending this much money on something that does not come with any guarantees is scary. Terrifying. But I know it will be worth it if it means we get our family.
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I don't respond well to the meds : palpitations and tachycardia events are just part of who I am. I get palpitations when my period is about to start, simply because of the uptick in hormones. So, it scares me to think about what I will feel like when I'm injecting myself full of hormones several times a day. If I can't handle the meds, I can't grow eggs to retrieve. And without eggs, there won't be any embryos to transfer. My cardiologist is on board to help get me through this so at least I have that line of support at the ready if need be.
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none of the eggs/embryos are any good : PCOS sometimes means low quality eggs. So there is the chance that I produce lots but have very few or none at all that can be used. And there is always the risk that the eggs don't fertilize or don't develop properly.
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IVF #1 isn't successful : always a possibility and never fun to think about. Lots of money and effort for naught.
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IVF #1 works but I miscarry : always a possibility and terrifying to consider. Lots of money, effort and emotional turmoil to boot.
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IVF #2 doesn't work : scary but possible. See above.
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IVF #2 works but I miscarry : scary but possible. See above.
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we end up with nothing : I'm not ready to think about this possibility quite yet, other than acknowledge it could happen. But suffice to say...it would be heartbreaking. We would move on to adoption but it would be awhile, as we'd need to save up more funds...and continue paying off our loan for the failed IVF attempts. We would need some time to grieve what might have been.
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So there you have it. I'm sure there are more concerns of mine floating around in my brain but that's the list as it stands now. Right now, I feel like I'm worrying too much. I know it's normal to worry about something as important as this, because it's a big deal. If I weren't worried, I think that would be weird. But I do need to reign in my worry a bit. I need to work on letting go of expectation and control. I need to enter in to this process with a "one day at a time" outlook and keep plugging along as best as I can. I know myself pretty well. I worry A LOT. But I hope to surprise myself, too. I hope I can show myself that worry isn't the boss of me, and that hope and faith can endure in challenging times. In short...I don't want to doom our odds before we even have a chance to try. Because the flip side to all of my worry is that this could actually WORK. And that is what I have to focus on. We could be parents by this time next year...and how amazing is that?!
"Sometimes the best thing you can do is not think, not wonder, not imagine, not obsess. Just breathe, and have faith that everything will work out for the best."
Stay tuned for another report next Tuesday :)
