We Soldier On

Thank you all for your concern and for the love you showed J and me in wake of the news that our FET didn't take. I'm sorry I haven't checked in until now - I've just needed a bit of time to take a step back in order to wrap my head around things.

The call came just around 2:40 pm on Monday. I was so anxious I had to leave the house. Pacing up and down the halls and doing what my family calls crop circles in the larger rooms. I decided to take a walk and take in our neighborhood's changing autumn scenery to help pass the time. I was just heading back when my cellphone rang and as soon as I heard Dr. C's voice, I knew it was all over. The doctor calls with bad news and the nurses call with beta numbers. He just said how very sorry he was that it hadn't worked, that there was (again) nothing that he would suggest we do differently next time, and that he was still optimistic that this would eventually work for us. The only good thing that I have to report is that we can jump right in with another attempt right away, as opposed to waiting a month. We had to wait a month with this most recent transfer because they were still trying to suppress my ovaries and hormone production from the August egg retrieval. But this time, there is nothing to suppress so we can just go "full steam ahead." And, we have decided to do just that because we would very much like to get one last try in before the end of the year. But, should this next attempt also prove unsuccessful, we would then take December "off" and resume treatments sometime after the first of the year with our last remaining frozen embryo.

So, I am currently awaiting my cycle. I stopped taking all medications on Monday after the doctor called and it should arrive in the next day or so (hopefully). Once it does, then I start taking the estrogen again, 3x a day, get my baseline ultrasound done somewhere around cycle day 5, lining check around cycle day 13, with transfer falling sometime in the middle of November. By December 1, we should know whether it worked or not.

As I said in my last post, after awhile, there just isn't much left to say about how we're feeling. The news hit us, hard. It's a shame that I've come to almost expect bad news over good, but when that's all you've gotten (when it comes to this topic) over the span of nearly 6 years, I think that over time, it's become a coping mechanism of mine to expect the worst while hoping - desperately - for the best. I'm a realist. I wish I were an optimist but that's just not me. I'm trying to alter my perspective, but it's definitely a challenge. I understand the risks, I understand the odds, and I'm coming to understand the science behind all of this. It feels a bit like learning a whole new language and I hate that I'm becoming fluent in it. When it comes down to it, we're doing all that we can, and then some. And yet, it's still not working. Why? We don't know. The reality is, it all depends on our embryos. Either they take, or they don't. It's as simple (and yet as complicated and unfair and awful) as that.

So we will soldier on. Because we have two embies on ice and we can't give up on them. They deserve all of our focus, optimism, and hope. In the weeks between now and transfer day, it will be our mission to create whatever positivity we can in order to give that next embryo the best possible chance. And I invite you to join us. Yes, I'm exhausted. Truly, I am, in every way a person can be. Yes, I'm sad and disappointed and angry and frustrated and flummoxed and crestfallen that this journey has turned out this way. But I'm also pretty damn stubborn, and I'm determined to win this war we've been waging against infertility so infertility best be ready for me. We're not done fighting, not by a long shot.

We're going to get there, and we're going to get there together. Thank you for being our people. xoxo

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The Weight of Air

I never knew emptiness could weigh so much, she said. I can barely hold it. So I sat beside her & reached for her hand & we held it together. - Brian Andreas

Goodbye, Snowflake

After awhile, you run out of things to say to adequately describe your sadness, disappointment and pain. After awhile, there are no more words.

Goodbye, sweet Snowflake. We so yearned to know you, to love you. There is an emptiness in our hearts that aches with every beat. 

Beta day: the sequel

I woke up feeling anxious and full of doubt. Up until today, I've been doing pretty well, so I'll chalk it up to nerves. And really, who could blame me? At one point, I found myself just wandering aimlessly around the house. I didn't even realize I was doing it until I noticed I was wringing my hands and the dog was hot on my heels, panting heavily in my wake. Tomorrow. Tomorrow is just a sleep away.

{An aside: A friend announced her pregnancy on Facebook yesterday after being married three months. A honeymoon baby. I was so hoping I could somehow manage to escape a pregnancy announcement during this waiting period but alas, it was not meant to be. After a few hours, I mustered the strength to wish them well because after all, it's not their fault our situation has turned out the way it has. It's not anyone's fault. But regardless, as I was typing the words, it took all I had not to cry.}

The good news: Up until today (which again, we're chalking up to nerves) I don't feel nearly as "down" about this beta day as I was last time. Which doesn't mean anything except that I'm thankful to not be feeling so blue and doom and gloom walking in to the appointment. Not that I could help it, but feeling that way made a difficult situation even more so. So hooray for hope!

The "bad" news: I have really no idea what tomorrow's result will be. As I did last time, I opted not to test with pee sticks at home. Regardless of the result (had I taken an at-home test), the clinic would still require me to go in on Monday anyway, just to be 100% certain, and I couldn't bear having to potentially deal with bad emotions for days longer than necessary. Some of you have asked if I have had any symptoms, but honestly, anything I've felt could be explained away by the hormone shot and pills. So, we wait.

You'd think we'd be used to this by now, this period of waiting. But like so much of this journey, the longer you're on it, the harder it gets. These waiting periods are infinitely more challenging now because not only are we more emotionally invested by this point, but the weeks leading up to this all or nothing day is all the more intense because the process itself has been so involved. And let's not forget the financial aspect. We are in deep. So, the stakes have most definitely been raised, in all ways. But you guys know this already. This is not new news. Truthfully, I'm a nervous wreck. Tomorrow is a big day. Our little snowflake is either continuing to grow and thrive, or we'll get the news that we dread: we'll need to try again.

It is remarkable that we find ourselves on this path so many years later, but what's even more remarkable is that even though this road has been so tough and so unpredictable, we still haven't given up hope. We are still here because we still believe in our family. We are resilient. We believe that this will all be worth it. We believe that one day, we will get good news, the BEST news, and that day has got to be fast approaching. We are past due for our miracle, I'd say. And that is what I am holding on to as I think about tomorrow's appointment. One day, we will beat the odds and welcome a child in to our lives and that portion of our story could very well begin tomorrow. And how amazing is that?? Our lives could change -- for the better! -- in one phone call.

So. My appointment is at 9:20 a.m. (so, 6:20 a.m. West coast time). We certainly welcome your good thoughts, positive juju, prayers, etc going in to (and through!) tomorrow. I will update you all sometime tomorrow evening, once Jason and I have had some time to process the news, whatever it may be. We decided that it would be best for me to take the day off instead of running the risk of grieving publicly at work, as I did last time. Regardless of the outcome, it will be nice to be able to feel what I feel and not have to censor it for my surroundings. And my boss, being the amazing lady she is, agreed wholeheartedly and encouraged me to take the day. So I did!

Thank you for your continued love and support -- we couldn't do this without you on our "team"!!

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Dear snowflake, 

We love you already, more than you could ever imagine. We are enamored by the mere possibility of you. Please stay. Please allow us to call you "ours", to give you a name, to raise you and love you. Forever and always. Oh the memories we would make. Please allow us to be your mommy and daddy. It would be our honor and such an immense privilege. 

Much love, little one <3

Meet Our Snowflake

Because sometimes, a picture (or 2) is worth a thousand words.

We are smitten!! We welcome your good thoughts and prayers as we enter in to the loooong 13 day wait until beta day on October 26.

Oh snowflake. Won't you do us the honor of allowing us to be your parents? We love you, so so much already <3

Road to FET: Our Assigned Embryo Transfer Time for Tomorrow

Haven't we been at this place before? The answer is yes, yes we have. But this time, it's going to be different. This time, it's going to work. We have to believe that, and so, we do. Our time for a miracle has come, don't you think??

J drawing up the 1.5 ml of progesterone in oil for my nightly hip shot

My pill regimen from the last four days. Thank goodness for my pill organizer!

It's crazy to think that we're just mere hours away from our next (and hopefully last!) transfer. I am grateful that at least thus far, other than mild side effects (bloating, grogginess, a slight burny empty pit feeling in my stomach if I don't stay full, and pretty decent hip soreness from the shots), I seem to be handling the meds okay. Although if last time is any indication, the shots will progressively get more painful and I'll have very vivid dreams (thanks, progesterone!). But, no more steroids or antibiotics after today - just the estrogen, progesterone, baby aspirin and prenatals will continue up until (and hopefully THROUGH) beta day on October 26.

So let's talk transfer! My appointment is at 12 pm tomorrow but I will need to be there by 11:30 am to get checked in, drink some water to fill up my bladder (helps them place the embryo), and take my prescribed Valium. My acupuncture session will be before transfer this time, so my boss and I will need to arrive for that appointment by 10:15 am, which puts us on the road and headed up North no later than 8:15 am.

We're definitely excited!! J has said a few times in the last few days how much he wishes he could be with me and how sad he is about not being there, so if you wouldn't mind, please keep him extra cozy in your thoughts tomorrow as well. I am going to ask that the picture of our embryo be placed in an envelope so I can wait to view it with J once he gets home from work tomorrow and that idea seemed to perk him up. If they can't find an envelope at the surgical center, I'll place it directly into my purse without looking at it. It's important to him, so I will do my best to make it happen.

The post-transfer protocol this time is the same as it was last time. Obviously, I won't be at work tomorrow, but it's also recommended that I take off the day after transfer as well. Complete bed rest (or, couch rest) is advised for transfer day, with very minimal activity the day after. Although I tried to be "good" last time, I wasn't as good as I could have been (remaining down and flat is more challenging than you'd think when you're not feeling ill and/or not in pain...) so tomorrow is truly mostly going to be spent lying down. Then, as of Thursday, I am encouraged to return to my normal routine, with a few limitations - just walking for exercise, no heavy lifting (nothing over 20 pounds), and various other little no-nos. Additionally, I will be doing the following:

- eating 2 Brazil nuts a day starting today and through the remainder of the week (rumored to help with implantation)
- eating only warm foods/meals and drinking only room temperature water or hot decaf tea (you're encouraged to think of your uterus/core as a little incubator, so cold drinks and foods are not advised)
- soaking my feet in warm water 10-20 minutes each night before bed (Chinese medicine tip for helping keep your uterine cavity warm - I've already been doing this for over a week now)
- wearing fuzzy socks on my feet at all times (except for when I shower of course), including when I sleep (again, to aid in keeping my little incubator system nice and comfy cozy)
- one more acupuncture session next week
- getting my recommended 7-9 hours of sleep per night
- daily meditation/positive visualization of the embryo snuggling into my womb and growing strong

Who really knows if any of this stuff helps, but I figure there's no harm in it, either!

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UPDATE! I just got a call from the lab at the clinic. I guess they like to check in with patients on the day before an FET to let us know their process and to answer any questions. And of course, I had questions. I ALWAYS have questions. Their current defrost success rate is a whopping 95% so there's only a 5% chance that our little snowflake won't survive the thaw - which is amazing. But, she also said that because we're only transferring one embryo, they will be holding it to higher standards and scrutinizing it extra carefully, as they want to give it the best odds of implantation and beyond. She also said that it's unlikely that the grade of the embryo should diminish - right now, all three are BBs. (For more info on embryo grading, visit this link here. It is uncommon for embryos to be graded AA or AB, as those are pretty nearly perfect -- I asked because once an A student, always an A student...haha) One was frozen on day 5 (which she said they would likely choose to defrost first) and the other two were frozen on day 6. All good things! I was able to relay our wishes regarding the picture of our snowflake, so that was a bonus! They will call me either way tomorrow morning to let me know how the embryo thawed and if they need to move on to another one, should the first have not thawed to their liking.

I will post an update tomorrow evening once I'm home and have rested up a bit. Thank you all in advance for your positive thoughts, prayers, vibes, encouragement and love. We can't WAIT to lay eyes on our little snowflake <3 Until tomorrow...

This image stopped me in my tracks.
This is hope. This is motivation to keep on keepin' on down this road. This is love.
Full story here.
Sher Institute's photo posted to Facebook.

Road to FET: Second Hurdle Cleared!

As my beloved grandpa Harry used to say, "how do" to you all on this fine Tuesday!

I'm in a good mood today. Despite the 3.5 hours spent in the car this morning and despite the fact that my estrogen dosage was increased (more on that in a minute), I'm in a good mood. My appointment this morning went well - blood work was painless (I downed water 30 minutes before my appointment and it definitely helped plump up my veins!), my uterine lining measured at 7.7 mm (they wanted to see something above 7mm), the nurse and I went over my medication calendar for the next few weeks, and I was assigned a transfer date! Let's break it down:

Blood work - they were measuring my progesterone level to make sure I hadn't ovulated on my own. I don't normally, but still, they had to make sure because if I had for some reason, the FET would be cancelled. Good news: I didn't and thus, the FET is still very much ON. 

Uterine lining - they wanted to see something above 7mm and they got it with 7.7mm. When I was at my appointment, my nurse told me that 7.7 mm was fine and my lining looked "nice and plush." So, initially, no estrogen dosage increase. However, by the time I got back to Bloomington, that consensus had changed. The doctor on call had reviewed my ultrasound and while my lining was technically within okay limits, she wanted to see it a bit plusher - in other words, she'd like to see 'fine' get to 'exceptional.' So, instead of 2x a day, I will be taking my estrogen 3x. While this isn't good news for me physically (hello night sweats, nausea, headaches, and a chance of developing heart palpitations), if it helps my uterine lining get from 'fine' to 'great', I'm in. We want the best possible home for our little frosty (frosty = frozen embryo).{By the way, I think I'd like to refer to this embryo as our little snowflake. Babies born from frozen embryos are often referred to as snowflake babies, but also, because I love Christmas and because if we get pregnant this go-around, we'd find out the gender sometime this winter...so frosty = frozen embryo = snowflake}. The visualization of this makes me happy and happy is a good emotion to hold on to.

Medication calendar - As I said before, I'm to increase my estrogen dose to 3x a day starting today, and that will continue up until beta day (which will be October 26!) and if I'm pregnant, then I'll continue taking that dosage for another full month/month and a half. Progesterone shots will begin this Thursday and the dosage of that is also increased from last time (1ml to 1.5ml every night). The shots will continue up until beta day and if I'm pregnant, will continue another month/month and a half. Steroids and antibiotics begin this Friday and I take those 2x a day for four days, leading up to transfer.

Transfer date!! - Our transfer date is next Tuesday, October 13th. My boss will be taking me and I will have an acupuncture appointment right before transfer. The clinic will call us on Sunday to give us our transfer time, which I will share on Monday with you all.

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It's definitely feeling more real now and I'm getting excited! Just have to keep thinking positively! The clinic's defrost success rate is in the 90% range so they are confident all will go well with the thawing process. Should something go awry, there is a contingency plan in place, but we're not concerned and are very much looking forward to getting the photo of our little snowflake to take home and cherish. One day at a time...

Thank you in advance for your continued love, support, and encouragement as we navigate this leg of our journey!

Processing

Thank you, everyone, for your thoughtful and loving responses to my post yesterday. You really have no idea how much your support means to us. When I'm having a down day, reading your words of encouragement truly lifts my spirits.

In response to one of those thoughtful emails from a dear friend, and after processing it for a day, I came to the conclusion that for me, it's not "just" that J can't be there with me on transfer day. Obviously, that's most of it, but also, it's that no one will be there. It's that we no longer live nearby to those closest to us. It's that I'll be experiencing this big thing all by my lonesome.

Years ago, when we first ventured down the path to building our family, we felt alienated. It was and is an incredibly lonely feeling to want children but not be able to have them. To watch others around you add to their families but be unable to add to your own. And, it hasn't gotten any easier as the years have passed. True, we've gotten better at handling it, we've gotten better at processing our emotions and being able to feel real joy for others while simultaneously juggling a feeling of sadness for our own situation. But it still hurts, and it's still a lonely place to be - especially as the years pass by and the number of our friends with children continues to steadily eclipse those without...and we continue to find ourselves on the "without" side.

Additionally, when we first moved here from CA, I experienced a real period of loneliness. J was so busy with school during the week and with marching band responsibilities on the weekends and it took me a very long time to make friends. Making friends as an adult is SO MUCH HARDER than making friends as a kid or when you're still in school. I've always made friends easily so this was a whole new experience for me. I didn't have any outlet to make friends my own age, with similar circumstances. Three years later, I'm a bit embarrassed to admit that I don't yet have a friend group here. I have one friend whom I see on occasion, and J and I share a few friends but again, it's not a regular "friendly" situation. I did have a friend who moved here for the Jacobs School (like us) who over the course of two years became a good friend, but she moved away this year. We do, however, have new neighbors who seem like promising friend "candidates" - in fact, we're having dinner with them next week! So that's encouraging.

I have discovered over the course of our time here, that as a married woman in my early 30s, I am an enigma of sorts - I have trouble fitting in with the social groups that are around me. Many married women my age have kids (especially here in the Midwest). Yet, I don't have children, so there are no play dates where I'd interact with other young women and potentially make a friend. No preschool or daycare, where I'd come in to contact with other young women like myself. I work in a very small department and I'm the youngest one by far - everyone else is my parent's ages or older (with the exception of one, but she and I are very different people). And we live in a college town, so there are LOTS of young women, but they're undergrads...and I'm not. Or they're in grad school but not married, or newly married but super involved and too busy to make new "outsider" friends (this has truly been my experience - it's not great). All in all, it's been challenging time friendship wise.

{Bear with me, I'm circling back...}

So, back to the transfer. Learning that J could not accompany me to the transfer was hard but it was also hard to realize that I don't have anyone here I'd feel comfortable having along with me in his place...and that I had to ask my boss to take me instead. Here we are, trying so desperately to grow our family, and the most important person in my life can't be there by my side, as much as he and I both wish he could be. In short, the feelings of loneliness and "other" that I've been fighting for years were reinforced yesterday. I just flat out felt very alone all of a sudden, and it was hard to explain at the time. I'm glad I can now say that I understand my feelings, though, because now that I understand why I was feeling a certain way, I can work my way through them and put them in their place. It's no one's fault. It's just the way it is! Circumstances are what they are, and it will all be fine. We have a lot of people rooting for us, who want to see us grow our family, who love us and encourage us as we navigate our way through this process.

So thank you again, friends, for being there, wherever you are as you're reading my words. This big thing we're doing, we couldn't do it without you. Thank you.